hello all i am a newbie. i've flirted with finding more info. via the web in regards to my abuse and sexuality for years. i am now ready to be a part of a forum where this sensitive area of my life can be discussed more openly and honestly.
due to my abuse i have been engaging in sexual practices since i was four. the first menage a trois i experienced i was seven with two girls. i also experienced numerous sexual encounters with males througout childhood.
eventually the encounters with girls stopped altogether as my abuse continued. i began to struggle with the feelings i still possess and not being "man" enough for women. i have been promiscuous in pursuits of some sort of magical connection where it all makes sense and where i will feel loved. i have experimented with all facets of male sex. there is initial pleasure but before the encounter is done i often feel disgusted,ashamed and completely uninterested. my abusers often told me how gay or girly i was so i believed them. i didnt identify with being a female and i didnt identify with other males. even as i attempt friendships with gay men i feel a seperation. am i meant to be a priest or hermit? i ask myself.
i am also obsessed with pornographic imagery that remind me of the abuse.
im now at a point where i am tired of these ridiculous pursuits and this compulsiveness with pornography and masturbation. i have never completely identified with homosexuality, as i am attracted to both sexes. i am completely open to having a relationship with a female BUT my insecurity in this area is much larger than my desire for a relationship.
id like to heal my emotional and psychological wounds once and for all...i've been through therapy which has given me more understanding but i havent been able to overcome these struggles as of yet.
thank you for setting up this site. i've come to help and be helped. if nothing else to share and listen to the concerns of others.
collectively our voices heal