apparently i have been writing in the wrong section. all these comments are exactly what i have been thinking for the last 15 years of my life. i dont think i am gay but have "gay" thoughts and feelings and fit, no matter how hard i try, into the "gay" steriotype. its scary how much these comments are just like what i feel. the need to compete to the point of breaking the opponent. how much rage wells up inside me, as well as fear, when i see a male that is more "masculine"/attractive/older-looking.
i have spent my whole life trying to avoid all this. by hating men, avoiding them in all situations, trying to make myself look like i am still a boy. i have the body of a 13 year old, but i am so much older than that.
i am scared to start a new "friendship" with another man, since they have ALL lead to pain and fear and ultimatly ended very poorly.
As the last post was in mid july i wonder if there will be any response to this or if this is no longer a subject of concern for anyone else on the planet. it is, however, very much a subject of concern for me.