I am new here, became a member just last week and I have been browsing the boards to get a feel of just were I fit in. I must agree that this is the topic I struggle with the most. I am glad there will be an area where one can share their thoguhs and feelings on the subject. Some of the key elements I picked up and identified immediately from reading the previous post are:
disliking your penis
shame and guilt
Trusting other males (really trusting them)
Dad thinking I was not male enough
thinking of penises or obsessing about them
I also struggle with defining my sexuality because of the following statement made by Ken, "One important consideration is to look at why you desire to act out sexually with other men. If the acts are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping on an unconscious level, that this time you are not the helpless one. It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that doing this behavior will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment."
I can not tell all of you how much I want to believe this to be true and yet at the same time I tell myself that this may just be wishful thinking and that I should just accept that I may be gay; however I also wish things were that simple.
I long for an embrace from a male who is physically stronger than me, that embrace can make one feel so safe and yet It's terrifying at the same time because they could easily that control. I believe this longing is from not having a father figure around in my early childhood. I believe this feeling was the one that left me vulnaberable to abuse because I would seek out older males to fill that void. Following blindly and trusting always to be rewarded with betrayal, pain, abuse, horror, emptyness, heartache I can go on and on.
I guess I made this long enough for now. It felt good to be able to get that out. Guess I will be regular poster on this forum.
Thanks all it's good to have a safe place to express one self with out fear.