I have been brousing the web site for the last few days. Trying to muster the courage to sign on again. I haven't posted in a long time - two years or so. I have been numbing out with an affair, an older coworker for the last 3 and half years, it ended by my initiative two weeks ago. My drug now gone, I've come back to you all, full of shame and remorse but hopeful that I can begin again to work on my recovery. I know you are all here for me,I need you and I'm grateful you are here.
The topic of sexual/"gender" identity has always been one I have always struggled with. I too have never felt like one on the guys. I never really felt like one of my peers for that matter the secret separated me from them - if nothing else child sexual abuse is lonely. Maybe that's one of the reasons I chose to have an affair with a woman nearly twenty years older than me...
My father left shortly after my abuse from an older cousin. Although no one knew at that time of my abuse, Dad had been concerned that I was not "masculine" enough - whatever that means when you're 10 - Dad's solution to this problem was to leave his stash of pornography to his ten year old son. Hoping that he could ward off any possible homosexual biases that my sweet childlike nature might sugest. Although I'm not gay it certainly added to the sexual/gender identity issue that many children face. Crossdressing and masterbation with dad's porn became my solace, it too was isolating, shameful and lonely, The image of the strong independant male was scary for me. Although I participated in athletics, I too was uncomfortable with competition and the comraderie that comes with being with other men. I just wanted to opt out. I became very ambivalent about my gender and my age, trying to be the sensitive male and more mature for my age. I married young, to a girl that I could play a more mature person to, a woman who was not interested intimacy emotional or sexual, a woman that had no problem with me taking on the more traditional female role in a relationship, cooking, cleaning, etc. In some ways I needed her to be that way.
My affair did have some positives to it- at least as I see it. I was appreciated as a man. something I didn't get/ allow from my wife. I did experience the emotional intimacy that comes from a shared experience with someone I love, as disfuctional as it may have been.