I seem to have to this "need" for male affection or acceptance. I honestly can't stand it, and it drives me crazy. How many of you have this problem? How has it affected your relationship with other males?

My best friend doesn't know that I was abuse sexually and sometimes he is very affectionate physically (likes to give me strong hugs). He doesn't realize it but this drives me crazy. I enjoy it tremendously but at the same time I hate it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Recently I started having strange sexual dreams about my best friend and I don't know what to do. I don't know what it means but it scares me to death. I have been avoiding him for a few weeks now and am thinking of just terminating the friendship.

I was raised with hardly any affection. My mother abandoned me when I was four and my father was both physically and emotionaly abusive. By the age of ten he had already stabbed me three times, never once taking me to the hospital to receive treatment.

Needless to say I'm pretty messed up emotionally, though I hide it pretty well. I just hate this emotional whirpool that I seem to constantly be in. Ever since I found this site, it has intensified and I don't know if that's good. This might be my last post.

Thanks for listening anyway.