My partner Marc had been having a hard time recently. He wasnít eating very well and sleeping allot. Everything was upsetting him and he was quick to anger and irritation. Naturally i figured the reason was me, which of course it was.
One night i made the mistake of cutting up both my arms really bad. I fell asleep or passed out i donít know which, in the bathroom, and when i came to Marc was kneeling over me bandaging me up. He was crying. He said nothing. He could barely look at me. He helped me to bed silently. He was so sad and so tired he didnít even bother to wipe away his tears.
The next morning he didnít know what to say to me, so he said nothing. I knew i had crossed the line. Finally i told him to go visit his brother for a few days so he could get away from me and take a break, which he did. A few days turned into weeks.
Last week i invited him out to dinner so we could talk, so i could find out what was going on. Finally he decided to tell me that he was sick, he had a bleeding ulcer and was having a hard time with it. Jim you asked me what happened to my hope. Any hope i could possibly have was crushed in the moment that i realized i had done this to him. My sweet and innocent Marc, my savior, my angel, my knight in shining armor. Here he was, suffering because of the loser i am, the selfish inconsolable thankless user that i am. I wanted to die right there, i wanted never to take another breath, i wanted to be punished as i so totally deserved. And so i was: he told me he needed more time, at least another month. In a split second i understood what he was doing. He knew that if he told me it was over, i would kill myself, right then and there, on my way home, once i got home, whatever, but that i would do it. So what he did is he stalled. By a month. In the hopes that i would find a way, a purpose, some hope, on my own, away from him. Even amidst the pain he was going thru, he was still trying to save me. He looked like that was the hardest thing he had ever had to do, tell me a month.
What could i say. I said ok, no problem, take all the time you need. I tried to be strong. I tried to look ok with it. But when the tears came the floodgates opened and i apologized to him and said i had to leave. His look of panic will be burned into my mind forever, as long as i live. I got a few feet from the table and my body gave up and i passed out cold.
I woke up in the emergency room a few times. I was alone. I knew he was gone. I knew he had to be gone. I told myself when i wasnít so tired i would get up and find something sharp. I was so exhausted i slept. The next morning i woke up in a room and Steve was there (my real dad). This confirmed to me that Marc was gone forever. He had sent in a babysitter to try to make sure i was safe.
Steve has been with me this week. He said he would like to stay longer, but he has a job he needs to get to and 6 kids and a wife that need his attention to. Iíve talked to him about it and heís agreed to let me go back with him for a while. This way Marc can come home and at least be a little more comfortable, since the apartment is his.
I will wait out the month.
I was talking with one of the guys in chat the other night, and he refered to Marc as my ex. I told him that the day the word ex becomes effective, is the day of the very last sunrise i will ever see. I have no want, no hope, no ambition and no intention of going anywhere in life with out him. Jim you ask me not to hurt you like that, not to hurt those i love. But you know something, when someone dies, everybody always wants to know ďwhyĒ... why did he leave... why did he hurt so bad... why did he give up... why couldnít he have tried a little harder...
This is why.
To all of those who have given their unconditional love and support, thank you from the bottom of whatís left of my heart. I couldnít have made it this far without you.
Time for me to go.
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman
Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill