I had a dilemna today. It was nothing big, but I am at a crossroads in my mental and emotional growth. I realize that I am wanting to be free again emotionally. I need to give a little background here to make sense.
I have been one who has hidden in make-believe worlds. Most of them have been where I have had little or no responsibility. If I did have some, I resented it and manipulated to get out of it, though often slyly. My most recent escapes had been the Harry Potter world (with all its shadows, adventures, and rescue from dull life) and The Lord of the Rings world. Harry Potter isn't effective for me anymore. And I didn't feel right since I am a Chistian. I couldn't explain it. I just felt wrong.
But I got into Lord of the Rings, and I think their simple world of farming, socializing, and no government is ideal.
Well, yesterday I was walking to class, and a guy was walking ahead of me. I'm in my 30's, and he was young. His walk was relaxed. He walked like a kid who was being a kid. I got depressed. I missed out on my childhood. I remembered Sam in Lord of the Rings, and in real life he is a real kid. I thought of him when I saw this guy. I felt the pain of never taking my young 20's and being a kid. I hid then. But I realized I still do it now. And I really thought about it these last 24 hours.
Well, today I was thinking about it because I had to return to that same school campus. I knew I had the choice of facing my pain and maybe growing up a little, or running like I always have. I felt depressed when I thought of running. My planned escape had been caffeine and cookies after class. This may seem like fun for some people, but the thought of doing it again made me feel frustrated inside. Food isn't fun anymore.
Well, I didn't want to do the smarter choice. I went over to the coffee shop, splurged, and now I feel like I wasted my life for a few hours. I had the choice of not doing it, but I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO FILL THE GAP WITH!! GOD, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS? I FRICKING HATE BEING ALONE!
As a food addict, I don't want to quit. I'll give it up for a few days, but when demands of adult life creep in, I remember this easier comfortable fantasy world and plan my escape. (One little binge won't throw me off that much, will it?) And so I give in sooner or later. Regret follows along with a bulemia of exercise, vitamins, and health food, and then I wonder when the next binge will come. Too many binges back to back wear me out and they're no fun. Quitting sugar and coffee helps my mind, but it doesn't take pain away. I know it would help, but I haven't found MY reason to quit. It has to be more than a nice idea. My sponsor keeps on saying "Give it up". Last night he pegged me on my not believing my life is unmanageable yet. He's right. For those of you who are out there, how do you cope with your pain? Why do we still indulge? When will I quit? (a rhetorical question)
This sounds like whining, but I am wanting both worlds right now. Healthier individuals have said here that it ISN'T an all or nothing thing, and I'd like to think that is true. I used to deny my pain through food, movies, studying, or anything that felt nicer. I can't hide there like I used to. I've grown. I am slowly realizing I want other people in my life, but I'm still trying to regress. It's just not so comfortable regressing anymore. What do I do now, when all I've ever done is protect myself by isolating? This is a tough one.
Thanks for letting me air.