Brian's rules for enlightenment

1. Always tip your waitress at least 10% but never less then $1.25 per person.

2. Always put enough money in a parking meter to give yourself at least 20 minutes leeway.

3. Never contradict someone you really don't like. Imagine how you would feel if they prove you wrong.

4. Never make fun of someone else's religion. You would not like to tell a Jewish joke, then get hit by a bus only to arrive at the pearly gates to see ST. Peter wearing a Yamulkah..

5. If something needs to be done, do it. The dishwasher isn't going to unload it self.

6. If you don't want to do something just say so. Procrastination only breeds contempt.

7. If you are angry with someone, tell him or her.

8. If you were angry with some one, but aren't angry anymore, tell him or her.

9. Leave Justus to the jury, and vengeance to the Divine

10. Vote. Then you have bitching rights.

11. If someone wants to take you on in a fair fight, try talking it out first.

12. If you fight someone and they fight dirty. Fight dirtier.

13. If a homeless person asks you for spare change, and you have some spare change, give it to him or her.

14. Don't drink and drive.

15. Be kind to your pets.

16. Be kind to your kids.

17. Be kind to your husband or wife.

18. Be kind to your friends

19. Be kind to your neighbors.

20. Be kind to the people you work with.

21. Be kind to strangers.

22. Don't be kind to your enemies, if you both want to make peace that's good. But otherwise stay away from them.

23. You can't buy your way into heaven.

24. You can buy your way into hell.

25. Blazing Saddles was the funniest movie ever made.

26. Don't eat crackers in bed.

27. Don't smoke in the computer room.

28. Don't eat junk food more then twice a week.

29. If someone asks you for forgiveness and you can find it in your hart to do so, then do so.

30. If you have a long drive, stop every few hours and walk around for a bit.

31. Don't be bullied out of your vises, every thing causes cancer if you do enough of it.

32. Try and give up your vises especially if it will make the people you love happy.

33. Don't watch too much TV.

34. Don't spend too much time on the Internet.

35. Keep your court dates.

36. Call your mother.

37. Do something nice for someone but don't tell anyone.

38. Take the last piece, but don't tell your mother.

39. Be on time.

40. Keep your word.

41. If you are attracted to the same sex, you are gay.

42. If you are attracted to the opposite sex, you are not gay.

43. Measure twice, cut once.

44. Be patient with the elderly.

45. Practice putting your snow chains on before the weather gets bad.

46. Practice changing a tire before a road trip.

47. Change the oil in your car every 3000 miles.

48. Refill your windshield wiper fluid before starting a road trip.

49. Ask for directions

50. Never call before 9am or after 9pm.

51. If you barow something, give it back.

52. If you lend something, don't ask for it back.

53. Don't point out anyone's faults unless you really care about them.

54. Walk the dog.

55. Clean the litter box.

56. Feed the fish.

57. If you watch infomercials, give your credit cards to someone you trust for safekeeping.

58. If it works, don't fix it.

59. Remember birthdays and anniversaries

60. Don't dwell on the past.