Well, I'm almost to the end of my very long weekend since I took a couple days off from work. Wish I could take several more off right now, but at least maybe it helped recharge a few of my batteries. What I will be like in 11 months... I have no clue but I am going to try and keep taking rests if I can.

But several things hit me this weekend and of course I've done several things for that to happen anyway. I just need to get these out before I let them dig deep down inside of me and hide. They are really wanting to do this and I'm trying to find the strength to bring them out. It kind of feels like a tug of war game right now.

The other day in class we began the compression part of our massage class. Basically we were just trying to get acquainted with body mechanics while we worked on each other. Of course we were told to dress down to our level of comfort and it was sort of funny watching the level of comfort for some people in the room. Were there to focus on healing, on massage and learning how to help people so the focus isn't on sex or arrousal or anything like that. But it ain't completely easy either. Anyway as my partner was working on me, I wasn't having a real easy time relaxing which is something I do struggle with. I did relax, but it took some breathing and time for me to do this.

The other night, I got another massage from the same guy that did it a few weeks ago. This time we changed a few things like adding music, having a fan running in the background and emphasized the breathing more. If I focused on my breathing, I began to relax much more and not hold complete control. For I control myself very strongly and rigidly. And yet for a massage, you have to give up that control. However by focusing on my breathing, I was able to relax much more this time.

The music helped because it keeps my mind more in focus as I follow the notes. My mind doesn't drift off to far and concentrates more on relaxation. It also works together with my breathing to just let that control go.

The fan, well I think I've finally put that one together. I usually have to sleep with a nite light on in the bathroom and a fan running in the background. Of course the nite light helps keep the monsters away because they can't hide in the dark. The fan, well when I was a kid we lived in a two story farm house that did not have any air conditioning. My younger brother and I shared a room that didn't have any windows, just a door on either side of it. So in the summer it got very warm in there. Many times at night if it was real hot we would get to have the fan in our room when we went to bed. However after we fell asleep, it would usually be taken to my parents room (think we had only 1 or 2 fans in our house and it seemed like my older brother always got to keep one in his room). To make a long story short, I know that when the fan was going, nothing happened or at least the memory seems safer of this time. I don't know if it was because things were just too hot and no one wanted to move much or my parents stayed downstairs where it was cooler for a much longer time. So I think I've grown to associate the fan running with being safe or knowing that nothing was going to happen during those times. But it is also like if the fan isn't running the air is too still and I feel like I can't breathe. So the air moving really helps me to not feel like I am suffocating (when probably in reality I am not suffocating, just feel like it.). Guess that is why I always have to have cool air moving around me in a car as well.

Ok, if' you're still with me, pat yourself on the back...

During the massage, he was working on my left shoulder and I found myself almost in tears as I wanted to cry out to my father STOP. It was a pretty intense emotion that I just kind of hid because I didn't really want to think about it. I've had a lot of problems with getting triggered by people touching my back and this is the first time I was triggered in this particular place.

Then after that he was working on my arm and at one point he asked me if he was pressing too hard on my forearm. To me I knew he was there but I was not feeling much of anything (just didn't realize that at the time). I think that whole arm had went numb on me. He said I was flinching which is why he asked me, but I couldn't feel any pain or anything. That's kind of scary for me and it is one of the biggest struggles I have with my body; that of staying connected to it. I get so damn angry and pissed off when my body does this because it ain't fun! To know that someone is touching you in a supportive and caring way and yet to not be able to feel it, fuck that makes just want to cry and scream at those who did this shit to me. Don't get me wrong, I am doing much better with staying connected to myself but it is tough at times.

The other thing that happened last time, than the other night in class and sure enough this time, was that one muscle in my upper leg (thigh) when massage, tickles in a very embarrassing sort of way. It is kind of like a series of electrical impulses that just shoot through that area. But I find myself feel embarrassed much in the same way if I had to undress in public. that kind of embarrassment. I'm not sure what this is all about right now, but it is able to be replicated. I'm actually a little concerned that these things are going to hit me all at once in class and I'm going to be a nervous wreck... ok, I'll say it, than I won't be in control either or at least feel like I am in control.

Today I went to Yoga class again and it was different than the first time. Actually one leg muscle was a little sore from getting worked on (hmmm,,, just thinking, it is my left hip and the left thigh is the one that is ticklish.... not sure what that means, just put it together). Anyway yoga was not as easy because my left leg was fighting me all the way and I just tried to look after myself but participate as much as I could. The lady that teaches the class is also in massage school with me and so I tried sending her some extra energy today because I just picked up that she needed it. So maybe I was able to be a major part of the class while I wasn't able to do a lot of the exercises. One older guy asked me after class what I thought of Yoga. I told him I feel like a unbendable pretzel. He assured me that this was normal and to stay with it because in time it will get better.


kind of glad I recorded some of this stuff. I don't know if it means much to anyone else, but all of these things mean a lot to me. Like I said, I don't want to let them dig deep and hide themselves. There is just too much power that they hold and I don't want all of that inside of me.

Moving on........

A lady at work asked me how I was enjoying my classes and I said I was loving it. She said she had noticed that I had a glow to me more and that I seemed to be much happier. I would have to say I have begun to notice this in myself (not strong, but more and more). I'm not as angry at little things as I was a month ago (although I still get angry easily). I've noticed that I have been able to let more things kind of flow off of my back and I've been able to find my center a little more quickly. Again, I hold alot of things on my shoulders and sometimes get to be a "nervous wreck" during the day. It is subtle things that I see changing but I am noticing them.

They keep telling us in class that we will change because as we learn to become healers and body workers, and as we become more aware of ourselves, we get in touch with all parts of ourself and the universe in a much deeper way. While that is the intriguing part and the part that I really love, it is also the part that scares me. I hope I don't wake up one day and I have changed so much that I don't recognize myself. Probably wont, but its my fear and I'm trying to own it!

Anyway, that's enough for this chapter in my life.... heheheeee... and thanks for just listening to me and letting me share, vent, connect the dots.


In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

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