Last june i confronted my brother about an incident of sexual abuse that happened when i was about 5 years old. It was at my grandmothers house while we were taking a shower together, and he raped me. Since then i have been dealing with it pretty well, but it's still no picnic, and i feel like i have a lot of catching up to do on life. But recently i have been thinking about the possibility that i may have been abused further, and thinking that my brother had been abused sexually as well.

I had told my brother that i didn't want him as a part of my life, and he had shown a great deal of remorse and guilt about what he had done. Both he and my oldest brother show signs that they were sexually abused. My older brother used to lose control of his bowels while he was asleep until he was 8 or so, and sleepwalks. They both have a lot of unexpressed anger, and have had a hard time with social situations. I have started to wonder who abused them, because if they were abused by someone in my family, they could have abused others. In other words, i am wondering just how deep this goes.

The reason i am wondering why i might have been abused further is that my compulsions seem so unrelated. I have always been troubled by sexual fantasies where i am forced to dress and act sexualy as a woman, but i really don't see where these thoughts come from. I am wondering if something else happened, like if somebody pretended i was a girl while molesting me, or if somebody dressed me up or something. I also sometimes get angry with my mother and don't know exactely know why. I suppose it could just be because i am fed up with her verbally abusive alcholic boyfriend, but i honestly thought i was learning to deal with my feelings about that, and it has been a lot quieter lately. I'd hate to think she knew, or that she particpated in the abuse, because she has taken care of me by herself since i was around six years old. But she was a herion addict, and she is still pretty messed up, even though she has been clean for a long time she is still co-dependant on abusive screw up boyfriends.

So, what do you guys think i should do? I considered opening a temporary correspondance with my brother to find out more. I might not want to keep him out of my life forever, even if i wont be ready for a long time. I could also try my older brother, but i don't know him as well, and i would have to tell him i was abused. I don't want to just start telling everybody in my family about the abuse, because it would be easier for them not to know about it. I don't think my grandmother could handle it, but she might know something already, and that might be what makes her so emotionally fragile. At this point, i'm open to suggestions. Thanks for listening.