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#515707 - 09/27/17 10:05 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: CelloL]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 159
Loc: Washington DC
Originally Posted By CelloL
What if on the beach mental exercise, one is not sexually attracted to anyone?


Sorry. I see it doesn't work for everyone. It worked so simply for me I wanted to pass it along. This might be a good question for a therapist or consult Joe Kort at his website. He really seems to know this issue inside and out.

Quote:

What I have figured out is that I could never kiss a man: major gross out. I'm slightly grossed out by kissing anyway. As a musician and having to play for a few gay weddings, I can't look when they kiss.


I obviously don't know your story. But I know one thing about my situation is the specifics of my abuse are really tightly keyed in to things that trigger me.

Kissing was never a part of my experience. But startle me when I'm sleeping (which did happen to me a lot) and I'll likely freak out.

Same thing if someone keeps me waiting a long time at home for them to arrive. I won't bore you with details, but it ties in with my abuse, and boy can something that simple really trigger me.
_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

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#515742 - 09/28/17 09:56 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
manipulated Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/14
Posts: 561
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Dean-GMoT

The following is a another thread you might find helpful or not in this category:

http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...;gonew=1#UNREAD
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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#515750 - 09/29/17 05:28 AM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: George]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2748
George -

That was one of the most affecting things I have read here - the honesty, the level of sharing, and frankly the resonance with much of my own experience really hit home for me.
_________________________
..



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#515754 - 09/29/17 08:33 AM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 104
Loc: Missouri
Dan99, I might add that I tend to feel embarrassed seeing people scantily dressed as on a beach. Sometimes I do admire good physique (sometimes wishing I could look that good) but I don't see it as sexual. In my past I've seen sexuality as dirty and I tried to repress it as best I could. This could be an issue in my marriage but my wife is going through menopause so there is little or no interest anyway.

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#515765 - 09/29/17 02:36 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: CelloL]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 159
Loc: Washington DC
Originally Posted By CelloL
Dan99, I might add that I tend to feel embarrassed seeing people scantily dressed as on a beach. Sometimes I do admire good physique (sometimes wishing I could look that good) but I don't see it as sexual. In my past I've seen sexuality as dirty and I tried to repress it as best I could. This could be an issue in my marriage but my wife is going through menopause so there is little or no interest anyway.


I can relate to suppressing sexual behaviors. I've gone for periods of well over a year without sex. It barely entered my mind. And I've felt great about it. Like you, I tend to think of sex as a bad thing, because it was bad the way I was abused. So when I avoided it, I was reinforcing that I was not "bad" in the way my abuser was.

But there's also a duality to my personality and when I slip back to being sexually active, it's usually as a way of closing down the negative thoughts I'm having about myself. If I can attract sex partners, I'm proving I'm not that loser-victim.

Sexual promiscuity/abstinence is like so many other things I've done to muffle the after affects of abuse. It works for a while. Then I figure out that it's just a trick of the mind. I am happy that I feel like I'm getting the sexual angle to this whole thing finally wrestled to the ground. But what I'm not sure about is what's next.
_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

Top
#515937 - 10/06/17 07:12 AM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 104
Loc: Missouri
Dan99, I was never promiscuous so I can't relate to that aspect. I tended to repress. As a single man I had a fear that having sex with a woman would hurt her and I couldn't imagine it being pleasurable for her. I think I had that latter impression from a couple speeches I heard on TV by members of NOW. Not counting CSA, I never had sexual relations until my honeymoon when I was 37.

Right now I crave affection but not sex. That 3-letter word scares me right now.

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#516514 - 10/19/17 07:46 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
SDD757 Offline


Registered: 10/08/17
Posts: 20
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Dean,

I am in the same situation you are... thanks for sharing. I'll post more when I get a little more time...

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