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#518309 - 11/30/17 09:23 AM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: CelloL]
LoneWolfX Offline

Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 572
Perhaps this is a pointless post - I don't know:

Though I try to suppress it I have to admit I am a sexual being. It shames me to admit it and in many ways I wish I were not.

I feel the same way. In some sense I cannot wrap my head around a female being a sexual being - I don't really understand/believe why a woman would want to have sex.

Also the sex, love thing. One of the phrases I hate is "making love" - it is almost a trigger for me. To me they are completely separate things. If I am attracted to a girl and get butterflies - this is not a sexual attraction. I want to kiss her but that is not a sexual thing for me. Such a girl I would not fantasise about in a sexual way nor would I want to have sex with her. This is the type of girl I would want a relationship with.

On the other hand there are girls I am sexually attracted to, but I would not want to kiss them. I may fantasise about them but I would not want a relationship with them.


Sorry the following is "not nice".
In terms of SSA though I regard myself as straight I have sometimes been attracted to the same sex. But it seems to be connected with the abuse. For example I may fantasise about giving that person a bl**j*b however I would NOT want that person to give me a bl**j*b. (In my abuse it was always for my abuser's gratification).

Edited by LoneWolfX (12/01/17 12:20 AM)

#518313 - 11/30/17 10:55 AM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: SDD757]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 2599
Loc: Minnesota
SDD, I wonder if, in your area, there is a Gay Issues Men's Group? I started going to one, because it's the last choice of a Men's Group I can try, and have not totally settled my sexuality. However, for me, it's not easy, I haven't identified as Gay, or Bi, but in this, I would be seeing if latent Bi is part of me?

In the test you gave, others here have shared it, I always look at women. However, I can appreciate a beautiful man. The condition that would alleviate my tension about being with a man is wholly conditional on circumstances. I don't know if those ideal circumstances are in my future? I am not circulating socially, which I don't think you are either. To experience the thoughts, to me, it's only in the Gay Issues Men's Group that I can achieve any cognition about it?

I feel a fraud though. This early, I don't desire a man. To go back to the circumstance where it would arise, I would have to be friends with a gay man again, like I was at University. I tell you, if it were him, I would feel safe. It's only in a situation that I knew I was loved, and safe that any such intimacy can ever occur with me again. Male or Female. While I wrote that, I calmed down, and realized I mean still mean it. I've written it a lot here on MS and have had doubts. But, recalling my dear friend from university, he was so caring, and knew how I was isolated and did things with me. He is an example of where I was very vulnerable, and didn't take advantage of me, and might have been able to.

That friendship taught me that I can make friends in adulthood, even if I'm not doing well. However, I have to get out there. I'm married and very much isolated, so I can only go to that group to talk to other men.

Best wishes SDD, I hope my post is useful for exploring things?

#518314 - 11/30/17 11:07 AM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: LoneWolfX]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 2599
Loc: Minnesota
Hi LoneWolfX, it's sexual trauma that has shown to that reliving the trauma manifests into life. The men here I've read, in it or through it, have tried therapy and group, and here to try and get relief. Relief should include lowering guilt, and stigma to oneself, like self loathing. We have enough self loathing, to validate your situation, I say, you're not to blame for SSA and pleasuring fixation.

That guilt is the perpetrators alone, and from then, our needs have become confused with those that entwined with those horrid deeds to us. When we fixate on SSA acts, it's that perspective that I go to. Maybe I'm Bi, and maybe I'm not, but now, I'll be deciding in the time I need to figure it out, and not pushed or cajoled by manipulation. Now it's your time too, where in time, no need to rush, you'll slowly sort things and learn to take what's important and leave the harsh realities of our being victims to the process of recovery. Those victim parts will have something to replace them, in time, it's not quick, and it can be a very long time, it depends on how things are going with any process.

The work is hard, it's ours to try, and it's not easy, brothers are here to lean on.

#518542 - 12/06/17 03:43 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
UniversalBeing Offline

Registered: 09/15/17
Posts: 116
I am working on this in therapy. My therapists advised me to validate my sexual needs. To tell myself that it is OK to have sexual fantasies about other people, it is OK to please or touch myself. It is even OK to watch porn. Encourage your sexuality. For example, tell yourself: "My sexuality is healthy. It is normal to have sexual needs and desires." I am stuck on this and I feel like I've never had a healthy sexuality but I am gonna give it a try.

For the first time the other day I questioned if I might be straight. I've always identified as gay and never had sex with women. My therapist says look at the evidence: Do I look at man or woman, do I want to kiss man or woman, do I get aroused by women or men, etc.
My journey:

#518602 - 12/07/17 04:40 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
SDD757 Offline

Registered: 10/08/17
Posts: 299
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
I’d kiss, cuddle and make out with a man any day... I would go in a date with a woman, but don’t desire to do anything else.

Do you think this is fixable? My therapist thinks so but he says forget all about that and focus on working on the abuse.

#522723 - 04/10/18 09:38 PM Re: Struggling and Married [Re: Dean-GMoT]
flying Offline

Registered: 03/31/18
Posts: 40
Loc: Ohio
These are questions I have asked myself. I was always attracted to girls but very shy around them. When I was 15 I noticed a guy that I thought was attractive for, a first for me. This was after all of the abuse or inappropriate sexual stuff that happened to me. I am 45 now, and I still struggle with my sexual orientation. I feel like my mom, and the guys who took advantage of me, forced their sexuality onto me. It made me freeze up, and I tried to stuff any sexuality for some years.

I go from being overly aroused for women, to being filled with shame and depressed and calling myself gay. I have identified as bisexual at different times over the past 25 years. I thought if I just accepted myself then the shame would go away. But the shame is so old, and so deep, I have to go back and forgive the little boy inside of me. For some reason he feels like he did something wrong, and that he deserves to feel bad about himself. Being happy is actually a trigger for me, and it can cause me to spiral downward.

I don't totally understand myself. I am confident one day, then frozen and ashamed the next.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

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