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#469289 - 08/23/14 04:47 AM Going Crazy
usmcmarine21 Offline

Registered: 07/17/14
Posts: 1
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
I am going crazy. Going through truama theraphy and I use to post on YouTube under Paine Theory to discuss my abuse and therapy experience. I just always feel alone. I was raped 3 years during middle school by a priest and hen years later was assaulted by a roommate while in the Marine Corps. I see a therapist at a Vet Center but still find it hard to talk about. I am a gay male and find it hard to make connections with anyone. In the past two years everything that was going good fell apart. I was kicked out of a MSW program due to a PTSD fallout and abuse by ASU. I am now unemployed on VA disability and can't seem to get my life back on track. If things keep going this way I feel like ending it all. I have no friends or family support and it sucks. I came to this site for help but for some help but I don't see any black people on this site all are white. Black men are victims too. We are assaulted and abused but we are never on any posts or speaking engagements. I can't be the only one or do we only receive support and aid once we are dead? I don't get it.

#469290 - 08/23/14 05:28 AM Re: Going Crazy [Re: usmcmarine21]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 472
It's normal to feel alone. Nobody understands, the streets are cold, no one cares, and all the lights are gone.
The fear of loneliness i found out in my experience can only be removed when you accept this wound, when i decided to carry my ordeal and realize i was strong enough to bear the weight.
I draw strength from my will to survive, to live, to say NO to those negative voices in my head, to all those that seeked to use me and harm me. I have no idea what it means to be a black male dealing with rape, but being latin and living in a third world country i can relate to the feelings of abandonment from society, help is a commodity around these parts of the world, and nobody honestly gives a shit. I had to become the change i wanted on the world. Be bold, get your life back, fear is always there ,always. The way we grow back up is by confronting those demons, come back and post, we are all here to share, even's if it's just to hear :
"I know, it happened to me as well."

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#469292 - 08/23/14 07:55 AM Re: Going Crazy [Re: usmcmarine21]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1132
Loc: Southern US
I'm not a black man who'se been raped so I can't very well say "I know what you mean." But I do know this, there are thousands of men on this site with all sorts of horrific stories, most of them different than anyone else, but all with the same goal - healing and recovery from abuse. And everyone here, regardless of whether they post or not, regardless of race or ethnic background, everyone has your back and is pulling for you to succeed. You can beat these negatives and this loneliness. I've never seen a roster of white vs non-white members on the site. Just "members" trying the best way they know how to overcome the tragedy of CSA and to heal, to have the best possible life they deserve.
You've been a marine so you must know what it's like to just want to give up, but you know you can't, you know you won't, because you're a marine. You've still got that Semper Fi spirit and you need to reach back in your inner most being to draw on that strength once again.
Not having friends and family to support you does in fact, suck, big time, but this site is just like the military service in one regard - in the heat of battle, we never leave a man behind. Call on your brothers here.

If you don't see any black people, or any posts from black members, maybe it's time for you to change all that. Make some more posts, share some insights to help others, join in chats, become a member of some groups.

Peace, and best wishes as you heal.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.” - quoted by King George VI

#469295 - 08/23/14 12:53 PM Re: Going Crazy [Re: usmcmarine21]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi usmcmarine21,

I can't know what it is like to be carrying all you are carrying right now, but I can and do send you love and support.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#469344 - 08/25/14 05:32 PM Re: Going Crazy [Re: usmcmarine21]
Aptrick Offline

Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Trauma is trauma, pain is pain; every individual is looking for hope and a way to find some sort of progression away from the past's effects. We lived beyond our horrible experiences and now, we have to find a way to move beyond the memories. You aren't alone, and you have to keep going. It takes great strength to admit you are falling apart and struggling, more courage than just pretending it away. Take that strength and discover what will make, you, the unique individual, dealing with this universal problem, able to move forward in your healing. Focus on steps, not miles.

#469357 - 08/26/14 12:55 AM Re: Going Crazy [Re: usmcmarine21]
randombreeze Offline

Registered: 02/04/14
Posts: 60
Loc: WNY
Sorry you need to be here but welcome to a strong brotherhood of caring survivors all looking for, and receiving, unconditional support.

You'll be believed, respected, and accepted irrespective of color, sexual orientation, or social background. I'd be surprised if there weren't any other black members here but like CJ stated, sharing insight when you feel comfortable doing so might encourage other members of color to come forward once they've seen your postings.

At least 12,325 current members, and many more thousands of unregistered visiting survivors to this site all want you to fight alongside us. Stay tough and dig deep against the darkness or the abusers win.

Love and Peace, Paul
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore

#469471 - 08/29/14 02:00 AM Re: Going Crazy [Re: usmcmarine21]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: usmcmarine21
...I don't see any black people on this site all are white. Black men are victims too. We are assaulted and abused ....

Welcome USMC! I have often wondered the same thing about the MS membership. Where are the African-American survivors? Well it might be that they are here, but just don't identify themselves as black. After all, it isn't our race, religion, ethnicity, or sexual orientation that brings us here. Its our common experience of being sexually abused as boys. All the other differences among us, while important, are secondary.

Your Youtube videos are great! You have alot to offer. Please don't give up on yourself. We are all here for you to lean on when you need to. Red and Yellow, Black and White, we're all precious in His sight.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan


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