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#467392 - 07/08/14 07:12 PM so I'm going to do something crazy
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
These last couple months away from home have given me a lot of time to think. I've taken a good long look in the mirror and contemplated if I like what I see and how I should move forward.
H has started therapy and is spiraling all over the place right now. I've realized that what has made his actions in the past so painful is that I believed I had something to do with them. Going through everything with him has shown me where my limitations are concerning love and forgiveness. I had always told H if he goes to therapy I will be there.
So this weekend I'm moving back home. I'm not doing it for him I'm doing it for me. Part of it is because he has started therapy and I want want to keep my promise. But the bigger reason is because I still have a lot of learning and growing to do in this marraige.
Things will be different then they were before. And I realize what I'm about to do goes against most conventional wisdom on the subject. I've told H that when I get home I don't care what he does. I'm done fighting about his behavior. He can go do what he wants when he wants. I'm done trying to reason with him. And I'm over worrying about his behavior. He can't drink around me or come home drunk but or than that I don't care.
I'm going to be in therapy and going to al anon and building my career. This is going to be hard for me but I need to learn how to let go and running away from my marraige wasn't making me any happier. So I'm going to find peace in keeping my heart open no matter what is going on outside of me. I want to learn how to truly love another person without condition something I've realized I don't know how to do yet.
Our whole relationship I tried to I hold on to everything but what if I just let go? I've never done that in any relationship and I'm eager to see what that looks like for me. Who could I be if I just let go and quit fighting for the things outside of myself? I'm a little nervous but I truly feel like this is what I should do.
Everything comes from within

#467396 - 07/08/14 08:37 PM Re: so I'm going to do something crazy [Re: HD001]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Self-preservation is not crazy HD. Nor is letting go of what is not in your control to begin with.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#467412 - 07/09/14 04:47 AM Re: so I'm going to do something crazy [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Thanks jude. I know that most of the time when our husbands are drinking and out of control partners tend to stay away or file for divorce. They don't tend to go back home and say "okay have fun go do whatever. " I can't really explain why I feel the need like this is the direction to go with this but I do.
Everything comes from within

#467414 - 07/09/14 07:20 AM Re: so I'm going to do something crazy [Re: HD001]
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 393
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
HD your an amazing person.

Jude is right in my opinion there's nothing wrong in self preservation. The fall out from CSA effects those that we love and who try to help us, they take on the crap and the toxicity of it all hoping to make it easier for us. What I have learnt over the last couple of years is while all of this helps there is only one person who can truly deal with it and that is ourselves.

Your H is truly a very lucky person and I really do wish you both the happiness you deserve

#467426 - 07/10/14 01:00 AM Re: so I'm going to do something crazy [Re: HD001]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

I'm not sure if this sounds right, but what you seem to be acting upon is your integrity.

I like to think I have it. It's been very hard to hold on to, though. As you say, there is a lot of conventional wisdom that tends to move one away from our true desire. While it's important to have good judgment, integrity seems to be the place we really operate from with confidence and a sense of our whole self.

Peace and well wishes,

Lose the drama; life is a poem.


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