Ten years. A decade. It is a long time, but it also is the blink of an eye. That is how long I have been single now. As of today. Life gives us people, and moments, and happenings. Some of the people change our lives for the better, some do not, some are a shadow and soon disappear.
The first person I shared my sexual abuse story with was my wife. And many times thoughout the next 24 years, she had to deal with me and the recurring behaviors the CSA left me with. And she stayed. She supported. She loved.
My wife died on this date a decade ago. She was 45. It is no longer a deep, profound grief that I feel, but rather an appreciation that in this life I was permitted to know what it was like for someone to care about me, even to protect me. To love me unconditionally. And to make me a better man.
As irrational as it will sound, sometimes I still feel guilty because I couldn't protect her from the cancer. Sometimes I still have tears because she is gone. Just like this morning.
And I also think of my life during the past 10 years. I have made some BIG mistakes in my quest to discover myself. Some BIG mistakes were done to me. But I have attended therapy (A LOT), and developed new boundaries, and made new friends, and embraced the new life I have. I wish I could erase the ASA, but I can't. Just like the CSA it will forever be a part of me. They have became fraternal brothers in my head and heart. They are what brought me to MS.
I am beginning to ramble because the thoughts are many and emotionally ladened. Soooo……
But today, the sun is NOT obscured by the clouds and it seems this long winter has ended. I am driving for a couple of hours to the cemetery were she was laid to rest to pay homage. To spend the day looking at the sky and the hills and the fields… well, you get the picture. I want honor the one person who truly changed my life. Who truly loved me. Whom I truly loved. And I will just remember.
And men of MS. I hesitated to share this day, but like an obsession, I had to. I needed to trust… it is one of the things I am working on. Many thanks for reading and thinking and positive energy and accepting me as I am today.
Edited by ThisMan (03/20/14 10:04 AM)
Edit Reason: because i have a name. lol
For now we see through a glass, darkly.