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#462807 - 03/18/14 03:14 PM letting go
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I can't really remember a time when I was OK
There have been times in my life where I haven't thought about being hurt
Where I have felt normal
but it was usually because of needles and bar washrooms blotting it out

and today if you met me and said "How are you?" i would say "I'm Ok"
but my definition of OK now means 'not in the hospital"
because today OK means my husband is taking a leave of absence so he can be with me all day at home, I can't be left alone
and OK means I remember only a few moments of each day
the rest just blackness and confusion
today OK means I am still standing, and I guess thats something

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of some dark hole
and I have spent every day since I was 16 hanging on the the rocks around me
because I know what's down there
I know how much it hurts
so i have put everything on hold to cling to the sides here
36 years old and in need of full time supervision
My hobbies and pastimes include crying, worrying, therapist appointments and more crying.
But i can't let go.
To fall means to give up control, to feel the hurt that i left down there.
To jump means to have to wade through whatever I find at the bottom.
I might get bruised and broken. I might not be able to handle it.

but my hands are hurting from holding on so long
and my legs are giving out
I'm so afraid
but i'm going to jump

#462816 - 03/18/14 09:08 PM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
Your husband isn't the only one who's with you every minute of the day ...

we are too.

Listen to "Lean on me" by Bill Withers ...

that's me singing to you ...

(((( bey ))))
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#462830 - 03/19/14 01:12 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
Thanks Shyshark, really. It's been a pretty difficult winter, but I'm still going. Hope you are doing ok.

#462832 - 03/19/14 01:58 AM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
bey -

this really spoke to me.
i love your description of the difference between falling and jumping.
reminds me of the takeaway i got from a memoir of a parental abuse survivor i read.
there is all the difference in the world between jumping and being pushed.
you've got to take back the power.
best wishes on your jump.
and here's hoping for a gentle landing.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#462854 - 03/19/14 02:47 PM Re: letting go [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
Thanks lee


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