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#462683 - 03/15/14 08:37 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Hey Lee

You are very kind. I don't want to distract from sadclown's thread because I was only trying to say how I handle my past and make my past current. But I heard what you have said also from Dr.Gartner, my shrink, my EMDR T and from many friends like you. You are correct on each of the things you say but.....

I think that if I wasn't gay I wouldn't have been so easily dragged into the life I lived for 10 years, and at 14 I did the most horrendous things to others as was done to me. Yes, I was only the tool like everyone has told me. But even the tool has feelings and the tool knows what he has done and how that tool has brought great pain to others. Even though the tool had endured horrible beatings, great pain and even threatened with death those animals also beat and threatened death to those that I was to rape. I didn't care if I died because inside I was already dead, I just couldn't let them hurt someone because of me. So now I must live with what I have done even though I was only the tool.

As for those animals using someone else is not really relevant because they used me and not someone else. Besides I know there were other kids in my position.

One day I will attain that peace that I seek, I just hope it will come sooner rather than later.

Thanks so much Lee

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#462684 - 03/15/14 08:59 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Okay, I've just come back as of yesterday but I was drawn to your post because I've been there and done that and maybe headed there again. So here I go SC...

For me, and I'm not suggesting that this is you, I've discovered that when I'm revisiting my abuse and wishing it would happen again, it's because I'm in a self-destruction mode. Everything around me is falling apart so I might as well cap it off and tank, right? It's a way to assure myself that "it's all my fault" so I deserve the fallout and the abuse that happened to me. I'm also a recovering addict and used to numbing as well. Luckily I don't have access to the drugs anymore but I still have the memories. Enter the dragon...

I'm not sure if I'm conveying what happens to me internally during times similar to yours but I just wanted you to know that I understand and you have my compassion. Run. Don't walk. Run away from the abuser(s). Haven't they done enough to us?

(BTW - I'm experiencing a very, very insecure period time after a time of self-confidence. I'm bordering on the self-destruct. That's why I've come back here.)

Okay, back to Linkin Park! My go-to music when I'm feelin' like this.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#463141 - 03/25/14 05:51 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
this reenacting stuff scares the hell out of me. i think my family perp was re enacting on me and my sisters. his perp was the friend of the family who ultimately was my primary abusers.

thanks for posting.


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