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#459300 - 01/24/14 01:40 AM the anniversary of my life falling apart.
TR101 Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 29
A year ago I disclosed my history of abuse to my youth pastor at a church trip. That lead to a series of mandatory reporting, and fem there a number of things that I deeply resent. I do look back on it as my life falling apart.

Now, As stupid as it may seem, For the last few weeks I've been torn on whether to go on this year's church trip or not. I've felt like going will unnecessarily dredge up all of the frustrations I've experienced over the last year, and remind me of how little improvement I feel like has occurred over the last year. But conversely I've thought that not going could be a form of giving up-giving in to the feelings of despair and that voice in my head that says I'll never overcome anything. So, I've been pretty darn conflicted, but I finally made up my mind, and tomorrow I'll head off on that same church trip.

I'm hoping I'm making the right choice.

#459307 - 01/24/14 02:52 AM Re: the anniversary of my life falling apart. [Re: TR101]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Your post title caught me because it describes how I've been feeling lately. I also went back and read your early posts.

I don't have the answers. The answers I have, for me at least, often seem agonizingly slow in coming, if at all. I guess I'd sum it up as asking myself how much more pain, abuse, etc., will I tolerate? Usually the answer is, not much, if any. How willing am I to put myself in situations where I'll again be hurt or I'll be setting myself up. Not often, if at all.

In some ways it's good. I don't put up with bullshit from much of anyone. Often the tricky balance is to just walk away from an asshole, instead of confronting. I suppose it depends on my mood and energy at the moment. Best case is "they" don't see it coming, they're left stunned, and I have some self esteem intact.

In other ways it's not so good. I suppose I should put up with a certain amount of bureaucratic bullshit, for example, because everyone else does. My attitude lately is to just give up and walk away from it because I don't have the stamina to be humiliated further by people who don't give a damn in the first place.

Like I said, it's not really an answer. But maybe you can take something away from it.

#459647 - 01/29/14 12:39 AM Re: the anniversary of my life falling apart. [Re: TR101]
TR101 Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 29
Well, I figure I should let you guys know; the trip was bittersweet. it was good to connect with people and hang out with friends, but I realized that I was very cynical, bitter, and angry. I found tons of things to complain about, and tons of excuses to avoid any emotional interaction with anybody, or with God (pretty much the whole point of these types of trip). Saturday evening that wall of cynicism broke down. I told a complete stranger what was on my mind (though it wasn't as much of a relief as I had hoped). then (being visibly upset, though few people were not too busy to notice) i was approached and comforted by an acquaintance who knew about the abuse, and an hour or two later, finally worked up the courage to tell my small group leader; someone I have meant to tell for a few months now.

so, while in many ways it was uncomfortable, but hopefully in the long run it will be helpful.

#459663 - 01/29/14 08:50 AM Re: the anniversary of my life falling apart. [Re: TR101]
Nathan-Tudor Offline

Registered: 07/09/11
Posts: 17
Loc: New York, NY
I'm familiar with church life as it is, hopefully yours is different. But what I've noticed, a lot of people, when they hear someone speak about CSA, a sought-of "finally breaking free of the silence"-thing when you tell them, a few will approach it delicately, to make sure that though the pain is real and constant, you should focus on moving forward with your life and become the person God wants you to be and not hang behind with the rest of the angry crowd that continues to chase invisible enemies. Others when you tell them, it's like they are discovering a rare bird that they never thought existed, and you'll become their test-subject in counseling. I'd avoid telling a lot of people because only a few would truly understand. It's good that you are able to talk about it.
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”


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