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#477073 - 02/12/15 02:32 PM Re: Coming off klonopin [Re: SoccerStar]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 766
Thanks for sharing this with us, Matt.

I have a few friends who still have problems coming off the meds, especially with the withdrawal aspect of it. There is a lot of insight and hope here.

Congrats on the milestone.

Way to go, Matt!
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Husky

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

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#483893 - 06/14/15 01:41 PM Re: Coming off klonopin [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Well. At least I knew I COULD do it.

I'm back on the klonopin now :p It's a bit disappointing, yes, but it was better than the alternative.

Have been back on since about the first week of May. The pressure at work was just too great. 4th quarter 2014 I had my biggest successes of my entire career and it made a difference on a company-wide scale. So basically all of April/May 2015 was every level of management making clear to me just how I was expected to make the "sequel" at the end of this year even better. The goals and pressures were unbelievable - if I went a day where I was ONLY having what would be a goodly-productive day under normal circumstances, I'd start to have panic attacks again.... the kind from the bad old days, where I'd be basically immobilized with fear until 2-3pm and get NOTHING done. Started to see my end-2015 "sequel" as the ideal excuse to fire me.

And then I started having sleep paralysis / night terrors again. It's been a long, long time. My wife is used to me having wake-up-screaming nightmares but this was different. I had so hoped that phase of my life was over forever but it's not.

So I went back on the klonopin. I knew it would work for me, it did before. It's a low dose, just a half-pill a day first thing in the morning, to keep me from freaking out at work and to keep my sleep normalized. I know I was worried (still am worried) about Alzheimer's, but if I can't function well enough to make it much older then what kind of victory is that?

Am honestly not sure if or when I'll try weaning off again. I consider myself lucky that I had this option available.

Oh and my psychiatrist can go fuck himself. I called him to ask about dosage levels and he refused to discuss it unless I came to his office. He has moved offices so it would severely cut into my workday. He treated me for OVER TWO YEARS, he knows who I am, and when I asked him "How long can I really be on this, at any dose?" he still insisted that I go to him... like he needs my extra co-pay to just answer a question. I have enough pills to last me probably a year - and if I do need a consult I'll be getting a different psychiatrist!


Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (06/14/15 01:41 PM)
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#484144 - 06/18/15 11:39 AM Re: Coming off klonopin [Re: SoccerStar]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Matt,

Having been through my high income years, and steeply crashing from my high income years, there are very familiar warning signals going off for me as I read your post. For me, the kind of signals your body and emotions are giving you are serious warning signals about the sustainability of your work and life choices at this time.

I hope you are able to clearly assess the wisdom of continuing a life/life-style/working situation that requires such toxic efforts from you. I wasn't able to stop until I seriously crashed, and became unable to work any more. My ability to work went straight downhill from 45 until age 53 when I was unable to work anymore at all. My nervous system was shot at that time, along with the last of my assets.

I'm not saying anything like what happened to me will happen with you, but all my alarm bells are going off as I read your post.

Sending you love and good will,

Don
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Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#497091 - 03/28/16 09:38 PM Re: Coming off klonopin [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Off again! Keeping my fingers crossed for this time....

My last dose was over 2 months ago. Withdrawal this time was really hard but in a different way than previously, and I'm still not totally "over" it. I really hope I never have to go on again because I'm worried about how much worse withdrawal gets every time.

-instead of being unable to sleep, I slept but it wasn't restful. I'd be "trapped" in extremely realistic disturbing pursuit / humiliation / failure nightmares that felt like they were 8 hours long, and wake up more exhausted than I'd gone to sleep. These still happen but have reduced in frequency and length; I mostly sleep normally, thank God.

-feel anxious and edgy more or less at all times, except in the immediate post-sex afterglow. Constantly feel like something is about to happen and get impatient waiting for it. Like my every waking moment I'm walking on a highway and must constantly scan the horizon for a truck that's coming to flatten me. This again is something I've just learned to settle for I suppose. If anything in a weird perverse way it's CALMING. I've learned to reason through the fact that utterly nothing is wrong at all and the fears are made up, which has a strange comforting effect. It's also possible it's part of a midlife crisis cloaked behind my "baseline" anxiety bullshit issues (this is what my T thinks - I still see her about every 7 or 8 weeks).

-I am dissatisfyingly forgetful. Abnormally, every day it's 4-6 things I misplace or overlook. That's the only thing about this that I'm not able to settle into, this notion that I might have permanently altered my short term memory.... There's just nothing to be done about it, I took the pills and it's in the past. I choose to believe it won't get any worse, that it won't become Alzheimer's, because what choice do I have?

Work is stable, wife actually a lot nicer than she'd been in some recent years (I think we've had a breakthrough?), kids fine.... I have a lot worth remembering. And I aim to do just that.


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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