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#457609 - 12/30/13 03:20 AM Starting to say it
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I can't say what I need to say
Not sure what it is I need to say
But bits and pieces of things come up and I jot them down
Like a collage of half thought and almost forgots

Sometimes I fill my whole body corner to corner...
He would twist my arm behind my back when I wouldn't cry...
My grandfather saying "try not to think about it, Benicha", his hand on my back...
"You're the only man I've ever loved, geetch"...
The way my dad would push his forehead against mine and just sit there, like he was trying to figure something out...
And I'm on so many meds...
Signing my parental rights away. Twice...
A fireplace poker...
His best friends dog...
The day my best friend told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore...
And i love this forum, really. A lot...
Surgeries and sepsis and ileostomies and -ectomies and revisions and SBS...
Jake visiting me on the psych ward...
Painting the hallway with Cameron...

I can't say what I want to say
Sorry for these half thoughts
But I'm afraid if I don't start I will never finish
So here is my start
At saying something


#457611 - 12/30/13 03:50 AM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766

There is so much pain and happiness here...

Some I understand, some I don't. Some I know what you're referring to, some I don't.

I hope you keep adding to this list. I know you have so much more to add. I hope, the more you add, the clearer it might become - what you want to say.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

#457620 - 12/30/13 12:58 PM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1134
Loc: michigan
you have said a ton my bud just keep on talking!
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#457623 - 12/30/13 02:35 PM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
Some days are easier than others
today i'm up and foggy
a mix of sleep meds, antipsychotics and stress
to be sure
and lord i want to edit this post
which contains words i never say
not for 21 yrs or more
but i will leave it, cuz maybe saying the words lead somewhere other than crazy
and maybe telling that story will lead somewhere other than where i am
which is nowhere
but someone else's bed
in someone else's house
in someone else's head
living someone else's life
just nowhere

#457666 - 12/31/13 07:12 AM Re: Starting to say it [Re: bey]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 953
Loc: Canada
... really my friend ... words are not important ...
... you are.
We hear you even if you don't speak ...
but we want to read what you want to say.
Keep writing.
Experience is a brutal teacher.


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