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#454108 - 11/17/13 07:56 AM The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 107
.


Edited by SayItRight (07/29/16 09:00 PM)
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

Top
#454115 - 11/17/13 09:35 AM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi SIR,

I frequently have feelings like you are describing. I wake up from dreams that sometimes make sense and sometimes don't make sense. For me, it seems that my subconscious is always processing everything. And, I suspect that it always processes everything in order of importance to my process. I don't necessarily mean any kind or order like most traumatic, most recent,etc, but what is most important for me to grow.

So, I always just do the best I can to say "How does this make me feel." That question usually circumvents my intellect where I can get stuck. When I can reduce it to the feeling level I always recognize familiar ground. And, when I can recognize familiar ground I can sometimes move back into my dream and pick up some pointers. I find the waking with feelings can be a guide to what's up with me and give me clues as to if I need to actually do anything or to simply (not so simple when the feelings are challenging) allow the process to be a form of releasing old stuff. And, old stuff for me can be very confusing and very challenging.

So YES, I connect very powerfully with what you describe and how you feel. It is so difficult for me to not understand or to misunderstand what is happening for me. Both things occur with me. I send you love and good will and hope you are able to understand what's going on. I always do understand. Sometimes it just takes time. Frequently I have to remind myself that if I do not understand it is simply because I have not given myself the time and space I need to get to a new position. I guess that's why the word process was coined. It often doesn't make me feel any better though.

Thinking of you,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454116 - 11/17/13 09:40 AM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I find journaling can help enormously with what you are describing. Somehow, the process of putting my thoughts down on paper slows my brain down enough and introduces an order and logic that usually reveals really important stuff for me. It also is usually an enormous release for me. I most often finish journaling feeling much, much calmer and grounded. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454126 - 11/17/13 11:22 AM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
wdmkr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/09/13
Posts: 17
Loc: Toronto, ON
I have the same morning issues. I drive about 45min to work and usually beat myself up the whole way. On the weekends I have to get up and do some thing or I get even worse. The fast heart beat, trying to catch my breath and real sadness is brutal. This morning was waking up from bad dreams and not being able to push them away. It felt like they where hanging on for a while.

I find going to the gym helps but not a lot else so far.

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#454134 - 11/17/13 01:11 PM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 233
Loc: California
Hey SayIt Right,

I do the exact same thing. I have woken up almost every night for the past year at the exact time period (from 3:00am-4:30am). Sometimes I am able to go back to sleep sometimes I can't.

I wake up in a variety of states too. I usually will wake up from a nightmare in a state of panic, with palpitations, and restless legs. Sometimes after the nightmare, I will be flooded with flashbacks of my abuse. This is how I have recovered most of my recent memories. Other times I will wake up in a state of paralysis. It is like my whole body is frozen in a fetal position and I cannot move. This lasts about 20-30 minutes, after which I can finally move again.

For me, I have learned that this sleep behavior is the only way my mind can release the things that happened to me. I have so many defenses in my waking mind built up over the years. I think coming through my dream state is the only way some of this stuff can come out. I now know when it happens, that this is how I felt as a child during the abuse. Frozen in fear, unable to respond, terrified, but unable to show it. I now know it is the kid in me that is reaching out to me, showing me what happened.

I have found that I have to get up after these episodes. I have to first consciously tell myself that I am safe, that nobody is trying to hurt me. I hug my pillow like it is me as a child. Then, if I am still shaken up, I walk into another room and turn on the light and play with my cats for a minute.

After that, I will get back into bed, and do my breathing exercises and tell myself that it is okay to get some more sleep. Sometimes I will go back to sleep. If I haven't slept in 20-30 minutes, I get up and start my day.

Don't know if that helps to hear or not. I think it is a good thing if you are getting some feelings from what is happening, even if it is sadness. I have developed a lot of sympathy for myself as a boy, and quite a bit of sadness, from the experiences as described above. I think any time you can get into a feeling state, versus numbness and detachment, that is a sign of progress.

Thanks for posting about this and good luck with your sleep.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#454147 - 11/17/13 03:48 PM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
Originally Posted By: SayItRight
... sometimes, like today, it's just a thing, but nothing I remember, but I wake up from it different ways on different days: heart-pounding, fear reaction, angry, exahusted, sad.
yeah - almost like a habit of feeling bad that you can't break. they say our bodies can get addicted to adrenaline - when we are under stress too often - and still feel the stress symptoms even when the reason for them is removed.

Originally Posted By: SayItRight
It seems so far removed from anything going on in my life right now. What's worse is that good days, or good things, seem to bring it on as much (or maybe even more) as bad or stressful days.
Yup - i used to get that, too. like - if i am in the middle of bad stuff - i know how to do it - maybe not the right way - but familiar. but if no crisis is going on - i don't know how to take it and i start anticipating the next one - certain that the peace can't last and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Originally Posted By: SayItRight
One thing I will say about it that is different today: today, I feel bad for myself about it. Today, I feel like: "man, maybe I really do need some professional help to work on some things." (I mean, I re-started therapy, but I still need to make the case for it to myself over and over).
that - my friend - is called PROGRESS! yes - you do deserve to get better - so go for it!

Originally Posted By: SayItRight
Today, I feel sad for myself - but in a good way - similar to something that happened not too long ago; maybe I'm suspending some kind of usually intense internal hatred. ...
another GOOD sign - self-care. keep it up and make that a habit.

Originally Posted By: SayItRight
.... Saying something like this in the environment I grew up in would do nothing other than guarantee me a worse disaster. ...
i so get that - and we have to learn to re-parent ourselves to get past those early wrong programming thoughts and feelings.

Originally Posted By: SayItRight
Writing just the little that I wrote just above triggers some pretty severe backlash in me, but fuck it, I wrote it, it's staying.
GOOD FOR YOU! do you realize how far you have come since your first post???!!!

Originally Posted By: SayItRight
... also feeling like I want a connection.
you got it, man - see all the responses above!!!

LEE
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#454182 - 11/17/13 09:49 PM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 107
Guys:

All of this feedback is awesome. Going to read through it more tonight and tomorrow in order to really benefit. For now, just really wanted to say thanks.

SayIt.
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

Top
#454186 - 11/17/13 10:44 PM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: SayItRight]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
SayIt,

It sounds like you are getting in touch with the real you. It is at once exciting and daunting and if you want a "connection", then you will have your connection! I am like everyone else… I am excited for you. Just like you, when I began to deal with the abuses, I missed untold hours of sleep because the mind and the heart were SO BUSY trying to sync everything that was haunting me from the past. But it gets better. In less than a year, I have…….. well. I won't take you there, but it does get better.

Hope you find some rest. A trick you may try is telling the negatives in your head that you want to get up, make the coffee early and read while you wait for the sun to rise. It's an easy way to gain control of the situation… and steal a short nap as often as you can.

… and great username… SayItRight… SIR…!!! I like that.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454194 - 11/18/13 12:19 AM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: traveler]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 107
Thank you guys.



Edited by SayItRight (07/29/16 09:01 PM)
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

Top
#454961 - 11/24/13 09:02 PM Re: The Mornings Are Sometimes So Rough [Re: ThisMan]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 107
.


Edited by SayItRight (07/29/16 09:01 PM)
_________________________
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?

Top

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