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#451691 - 10/29/13 02:46 PM She told me last night I woke up crying, talking..
Moreorless Offline

Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Pittsburgh
I remember crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night; when I'd asked my partner if I said anything she told me, "you said, 'I don't want you to speak to me anymore! I just want to be left alone!'"

So much for having peaceful dreams of my mother.

I haven't touched my girlfriend in months.

Something about my nightmares, and they aren't uncommon, is - I can't engage, intimately, with my lover anymore.

Has this happened? Is this common?

We've been in a successful and compassionate relationship for years now. She's even read all the, "for families and loved ones," material at

Our sex life was great, the best ever until 6 or so months ago. All the shame returned with the nightmares.

She does love me at a depth beyond just the physical and still tells me, and I believe her, that us not having sex is a-ok as long as we're still buddies, as long as we still have fun together.

But something in me takes more comfort in the thought of never having to touch or be touched by a woman ever again.

I'm 31 and sex has become an awful idea to me. Just the thought of intercourse makes me feel like I need to shower. Shower with a brillopad. Shower with a steal brush.

Has this happened to anyone? Sexually active for their who mature life when suddenly - repulsion?
"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

#451767 - 10/30/13 01:20 AM Re: She told me last night I woke up crying, talking.. [Re: Moreorless]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4287
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
not quite the same - but similar.

we were married at 22 and managed to have two kids, but in my early 30s i just could not do it any more. memories were returning, nightmares were starting up again after a period of having very few since my teens, deep depression set in, suicidal thoughts. when the details of long-past abuses started to enter my conscious mind again, i wanted nothing to do with sex at all. once i entered therapy and got out of the depression and started to deal with the abuse, the ability and desire for sex returned as well. until the next time - when more memories and more details of the old memories started to emerge. same story again. now - after a year of therapy, i started to be OK again - and a year later - just fine, thank you. there was even a period of hyper-activity when it was like trying to make up for lost time.

don't be too concerned. i find that my level of interest and desire is on a sliding scale and varies drastically with my mood - it's the first thing to go when i start to get depressed - and picks right up again when i start to pull out of a blue funk. if you get help with the memories and past abuse, you can regain your "normal" sex life. in the mean time, be thankful that you have such an understanding and compassionate partner. that is a treasure.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#451788 - 10/30/13 03:37 AM Re: She told me last night I woke up crying, talking.. [Re: Moreorless]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

At the moment repulsion is right up there with a bunch of other feelings. For years I had it in a neat little box next to passion, desire, lust, etc. It could be set aside as needed by me, the master of all my impulses.

When that changed, repulsion got front row center. It's still there, but since I have allowed and encouraged myself to breathe through moments of pain, it tends to relax its grip somewhat.

I think what is hard about memories is that they like to remain focused in a few strong feelings. What has been an ongoing project for me is finding ways to acknowledge strong feelings from the past without letting them completely take over how I look at and experience the present.

Hope you will find insight and support that is helpful and keeps you in touch with those you care about.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#451800 - 10/30/13 04:17 AM Re: She told me last night I woke up crying, talking.. [Re: Moreorless]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 472
It's normal,well normal for people who have been raped,sometimes even for people who are out of touch with their body.
It is so horrendous that our human capacity to enjoy beautiful sex was stolen and pillaged at an early age. Ive gone through that, and all i could tell from my experience, is that it was a cop out for me. A way of protecting myself from physical intimacy, i realized that if my sexuality is not expressed, it will creep out in another area of my life in a regressed form.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#452134 - 11/01/13 12:01 PM Re: She told me last night I woke up crying, talking.. [Re: Moreorless]
Moreorless Offline

Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Pittsburgh
These are all very hopeful.

Her and I talked... Well, I told her about some of these replies that I received here and that, once again, I'm put at a better ease in knowing that I am not alone and that, specifically, this seems like something her and I will easily work through.

And last night - I made out with my partner for a good hour without feeling scared or reluctant.

She's a sweet kisser, I missed that.

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen


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