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#451372 - 10/26/13 10:23 PM I'm Emotionally Out *poss survivor triggers*
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I feel like I'm done and am mentally preparing to find a job and new home. I haven't spoken with him about this yet. His past that I know of: incest, followed by accusations of committing CSA against a neighborhood kid. I assume his relative who committed the incest is the one who really was a predator; that relative is now in prison for multiple offenses.

Anything I dislike about him puts him on the defensive, like an animal in a corner. He himself uses the phrase "Why are you backing me into a corner?"

What's current:
He won't follow up and begin therapy again

Under-employment by choice. his field has many job openings at better salary with benefits. He stays where he is because the owner is a friend of his. I have no health insurance and have a skin spot that's questionable. Accompanying the finances is his insistence on talking about it only over the phone, and a refusal to trade in a car he pays so much for monthly that we have to slow-pay other bills. He 'needs' to feel in control of this, it seems.

He helps with the kids if it's convenient for him; same goes for things around the house. If he gets a direct benefit from doing the chore/helping, then he does it.

No kissing. I get a peck on the cheek once daily.

I initiate most 'us' conversations, all sex (and am understandably refused 90% of the time) and most family life/schedule planning conversations. He arrives home from work and retreats to the bedroom, where he watches TV and gets mad when I don't join him. I hear it about days later. I stopped initiating to find that every two weeks, on the same night of each week, he wants sex. he will not look me in the eye during sex, and will not partake in any positions which might facilitate that.

He told me two days ago that my weight gain, which puts my BMI at .4 into the 'overweight' zone, is "less attractive, and anyone would see that". I suspect he wants me to look younger again. That possibility grosses me out.

Flirting with his employees and with waitstaff when we're on dates. Most dates are: driving around and daydreaming about houses, or sitting in a bar playing trivia. He says the talks we have on the dates are nice...all these talks are surface: music, his work, etc.

Racist and sexist comments to his friends via text. (I checked his phone thinking he might be having an affair or trying to hook up via CL again.)

He's checked out. He's in control mode. He's disrespectful. He acts as if I'm less than he is. I cannot and will not continue to shoulder the responsibility of emotionally maintaining this marriage. I cannot stay with a man who creeps me out and ignores me, then shifts both the responsibility for the marriage and blame if it's not done his way onto me.

Until I leave, which may be 6 months or more from now, I need to detach and distance myself. But I don't know how any more. Any detachment is met with accusations of giving him the silent treatment and being passive-aggressive (which I see as a case of him spotting his own ways.)

I don't want to talk to him any more, because although he doesn't rage any more, anything he views as me telling him he's a failure sends him into defensive "oh so you're telling me I'm a piece of shit" mode. If I told him the things above, I really would be telling him he's failing. He is. This is not his first marriage, and his ex had affairs when they had been at this point for a while. He's told me he had a ONS while married to her, at about this point in the marriage, and after that was 'absent in the marriage' (her affairs happened then). This is beyond red flags.

Thank you for reading; people on standard marriage boards have no clue. None.

#451381 - 10/27/13 01:52 AM Re: I'm Emotionally Out *poss survivor triggers* [Re: Airmid]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ

First, detaching doesn't have to be the silent treatment. Detaching has a bunch of postures, silent treatment is not so much detachment as it is punishment. And punishment implies caring. Do you care?

The way you describe your situation seems incredibly difficult and frustrating for you. I assume you both are not in therapy together?

#451396 - 10/27/13 04:57 AM Re: I'm Emotionally Out *poss survivor triggers* [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 541
Loc: NY

Sorry to hear this is happening with all that you know about each other.

Your last post about him making the call seemed hopeful. Although it may have been painful for you, it was actually encouraging to hear that he was doing it not because he wanted to strengthen the marriage. He's got to want it for himself first.

My only other thought is that finding the right person to talk to is important. While you may have done a lot of good work at this center, it may be more difficult for him. Knowledge about male sexual abuse is still growing. He not only has to have options on how to proceed, he needs to ask the right questions to get there. Maybe you can help him find them or at least think about what they might be.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#451561 - 10/28/13 04:15 PM Re: I'm Emotionally Out *poss survivor triggers* [Re: Airmid]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Esposa is right. Detachment is a bit more nuanced /complicated and silence is sends the wrong message. Have you or can you try Al-Anon? It helped me tremendously in learning this skill. Not only that, if lack of therapy is related to financial issues (common among here) it is at least some sort of structured support during your time of transition.

Edited by Valkyrie (10/28/13 04:15 PM)

#451608 - 10/28/13 10:20 PM Re: I'm Emotionally Out *poss survivor triggers* [Re: Airmid]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Sounds like so much to deal with. I don't blame you for being fed up. I suppose during this transition time it may be sticky as to know how to proceed concerning your interactions with him.
Since it sounds like you are reclaiming your life and your sanity then try to just do what feels best for you. From your post it sounds like he will be upset no matter how you interact with him.
I say do what you need to do for you and your kids. If you are truly done trying to talk then don't. I'm not saying you should be mean or cold but I don't think it will serve you to "pretend" with your behavior either.
Maybe take some time to sit down and think about what you and your kids really need during this time. What will you need after you leave? Then formulate a gameplan and tweak it as you go.
As far as how much you choose to engage you H I think its just important that you aren't completely dishonest with him. No doubt that as you become more detached he will notice.
This is sad news and I can relate to a lot of your post. My H can be so amazingly self centered that it takes all my self control to not lose it on him.
I can't imagine the stress of juggling his issues with trying to keep a nice home life for you kids.
Trust yourself.
Everything comes from within

#452533 - 11/05/13 12:44 PM Re: I'm Emotionally Out *poss survivor triggers* [Re: Airmid]
Harvey Dent Offline

Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28

You have my deepest sympathies and I offer a tear filled and heartfelt cry to God on your behalf. I know that it is little compfort, but you are not alone. You have quite a few people rooting for you.

Thank you for your bravery. Thank you for the love you have shown him. Thank you for dealing with pain that shouldn't be yours, but is anyway. Thank you for making the world a better place by simply being in it.

I am in my office, crying tears for your sorrows and crying tears of joy that someone like you exists in this world.

I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story:

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.


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