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#451243 - 10/25/13 09:41 AM I had a rough time [Triggers]
GT13568 Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 188
Loc: California, 93451
Last night was rough, after a few weeks of rough emotional and health struggles, last night felt like the worst. I learned something about myself, and I want to try and talk about it.

I had dinner with friends, good people. They know I've had a troubled life, they know in generalities about my background, but nothing specific.

As we were saying goodbye, I mentioned that the last time I drove home from the city I cried for the first hundred miles on the highway. I laughed in embarrassment as i said this. My friends looked at me kind of funny, like they didn't know what to say. I quickly changed the subject, made a joke, and I hugged them goodbye.

I guess most people don't cry very often. I cry almost every day.

I got in bed feeling ashamed about what I'd said to them. I was frozen in place, terrified, like a deer in the headlights. I squeezed my eyes closed, and I shouted at myself in my head, "You stupid! What are you thinking?! Why did you say that? Everything's ruined. You do this all the time! You're a failure." In my mind, I was punching myself, beating myself in the face. I honestly felt the punches and kicks.

Shame. I feel it all the time. I've never said before how much shame I feel for what happened when I was a little kid. I've read from others about shame, but I never saw it in myself, I could never admit to it. 

I apologize all the time, unnecessarily, for my words and actions. I feel regret every time I talk to anyone. I yell at myself for my stupidity and weakness. I worry for hours, reconstructing conversations, as though by magic I can fix things. Things that don't need fixing, really. After all, I'm only human.

I broke down last night. "This is the end," I thought. "I can't do this anymore." The pain, and my shame were too much. By then, I was shaking. 

Please don't take what I'm about to say as a threat, but I seriously considered suicide last night. I spent four long, dark hours accepting that I could do it, that I needed to it, that I deserved to do it. I'm sorry. I hope this isn't too much. I googled for some information, to confirm something, and I came across this phrase in my search: "If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes." Out of curiosity, out of desperation, I clicked on the site. I read for five minutes, then ten, then fifteen minutes. I found another link to something about depression, I read some more, and I recognized my symptoms. I'm depressed.

Over the years of working with a T, before i stopped, I had asked about depression. My T assured me that I function too well to be depressed. to tell you the truth, my T sounded just like my mom: "Just buck up." (This was what i heard. Who knows what he really said.) I put it out of my mind. I pushed depression away. I pushed on. But...

I'm depressed. I'm a high functioning, busy-all-the-time-not-to-think-about-it depressed person. I'm also filled with shame. I had to hide most of my life. Only bad people need to hide, I told myself. I'm bad, I thought, and lost, and alone.

But now, today, I see that I'm not bad, I'm not lost, nor alone. I would have told the truth back then, except my parents would have killed me. It felt that extreme. My mom made me sick - I was in the hospital every year of my childhood with mysterious ailments. My dad whipped me and humiliated me to ensure his power. Neighbors brought me home when I ran away. No wonder I'm ashamed, I wasn't aloud to do what I knew was right.

I had some good news from my doctor this afternoon. My transplant isn't failing. I had more positive news tonight: a video I made about growing up on the streets of Hollywood is going to be in a show at a local college.

Early this morning, after I collected myself, I talked with my partner. I told him what I just told you guys, that I was on the brink. "It's like another person takes over," I said, another me; and this me can't see out of the darkness. He scares me, I scare me. I don't want to live this up and down, dark then light life anymore. I've always wanted to hide. I've always been ashamed. Now that I've "seen" him, I recognize what some of you call "Little Geoff." I see the angry, terrified little kid, me. I'm in awe. I want to learn about him.

I'm getting closer to the truth. I think I'm stronger for it. I'm recovering. It's hard, but I think I can do this. I feel good.

This is the site that helped me:

Edited by GT13568 (10/25/13 09:46 AM)
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

#451244 - 10/25/13 10:00 AM Re: I had a rough time [Triggers] [Re: GT13568]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
My life is full of those moments where I feel like I've ruined things. Its hard to explain just how pervasive the feeling is. It feels like time travel in a way to get so stuck in a past moment.

I'm so glad you have a partner who listens and I'm glad you found a site that helped. It sounds like your old therapist was misinformed. That's the way society is sometimes -- if you put up a good mask, they say "nothing's wrong, you don't need help." They don't take our word for it that we are barely hanging on.

I'm so glad that you are letting go of your undeserved guilt. You are not bad and I'm glad to see you be able to know that. I'm glad you are learning to sympathize and love yourself.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#451245 - 10/25/13 10:02 AM Re: I had a rough time [Triggers] [Re: GT13568]
GT13568 Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 188
Loc: California, 93451
Thanks Jacob. Thanks very much.
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

#451248 - 10/25/13 10:15 AM Re: I had a rough time [Triggers] [Re: GT13568]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi GT13568,

I am so glad that you are here to tell your story. I see a version of me in much of what you say. I don't know what to say that will be helpful to you, but that is what I hope. I have been so depressed, crazy, and distorted by the abuses from my parents. The most important thing I am learning right now is that it all really happened. They really did all those things to me and more. There are still things that are blocked. I spent so many years feeling like I am a bad person. I spent so many years feeling responsible for so much that was not my responsibility. I spent so many years feeling like I deserved to be punished, to be hated; that no matter what I do, it could never be enough.

Well, GT13568, all the above is what my parents taught me. It is how they conditioned me to think. And, you know what? NONE OF IT IS TRUE!!!!!!! It has taken me a lot of years and a lot of work to move through this mine field inside myself. There have been terrible explosions from time to time. I have survived them. I have grown. It has not always been easy to continue, but I am so grateful I have. I am clearer and more optimistic now than I have ever been. And it has taken stubborn, dogged persistence. I did not always believe that I would make it. But I have and I am so worth it. You are too. Keep on keeping on. I send you all the love and support I have to give you.......Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#451256 - 10/25/13 12:24 PM Re: I had a rough time [Triggers] [Re: GT13568]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
Taking my toys, and heading home.

Edited by Castle (12/19/13 12:46 AM)

#451364 - 10/26/13 07:59 PM Re: I had a rough time [Triggers] [Re: GT13568]
wdmkr Offline

Registered: 06/09/13
Posts: 17
Loc: Toronto, ON
I have also cried so much in the car I think I drive better looking through tears now.

I have the same issues every time I talk to some one. I'm convinced they think I'm and idiot or they won't want to be around me any more. I keep playing it over and over in my head until I believe it. It is so hard to get deal with the gremlins that haunt every day life.


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