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#448669 - 09/29/13 08:34 AM MY PARTNER KEEPS LEAVING
helpneeded Offline

Registered: 09/26/13
Posts: 4
Hi. My partner and I were together for 2 years. He cheated on me and there were times where he would become so distant and not have any feelings for me at all and thats when he would cheat. After 2 years, 2 dogs, plans to have a baby in the next 2 years and living together he left and within 2 weeks he had another 21 year old fling (he is 31) and it was all over facebook like he didnt care about my feelings at all and I was non existent. He told me after we broke up that he was raped a few times by a family member and I thats when i realized and understood why he had done the things he had done in the past. I recommended this site to him and after he read some of the info he had the courage to see a professional. I know that I cant fix him but can someone thats been through the same maybe give me some guidance as to what to do and how to help him. Do I wait around for him? I am the only one he has told about his past so I feel that as much as he has hurt me I feel I cant let go. I know I need to protect myself to and find happiness but I care and love him so much. When I see him he tells me he loves me and cant be with me because he is so messed up but then he still leads this new girl on like shes his gf. I feel like this is making me so depressed because theres nothing I can do to make him see that he is making a mistake. He has cheated on every girl that he has dated and has always run away from the relationships he has had because he has been scared of committment. I know he cant let go of me as he doesnt stop contacting me. Can someone give me some guidance

#448681 - 09/29/13 02:35 PM Re: MY PARTNER KEEPS LEAVING [Re: helpneeded]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi helpneeded. Here's my jaded opinion for what it is worth.

Many of us are quite committed when we find that our partner is struggling and may or may not be able to find his way. Many of us have mortgages, children, decades to contemplate as we work to find our own space, our own healing and respond to the needs of our OWN inner child.

The situation you find yourself in has tremendous possibilities for you. And, if only from experience, I urge you to focus on your needs and your value. While you can be a source of kindness and support for your partner, you also deserve a certain level of treatment, regardless of his motivations and the root causes of the behavior. Ask yourself the question you asked us? Should you wait around for someone who is dating other people? Only you know the answer to that question.

Your compassion is obvious. Your love for him too. Please make sure, however, that you have compassion and love for yourself at the same time - otherwise this story becomes a power struggle of codependence and acting out. What does helpneeded deserve?

I followed my partner around while he was acting out. I read and studied and tried to get him help. I let him walk all over me when he was in his darkest moments. And do you know what good that did for him? NOTHING. Do you know what it did to me? IT DESTROYED ME. With hindsight and great compassion for your situation, I urge you to set your own boundaries and let him know what behavior is acceptable in order to earn your friendship, your love, the safety you provide. It will be the best thing for both of you.

HUGS to you.

#448684 - 09/29/13 03:08 PM Re: MY PARTNER KEEPS LEAVING [Re: helpneeded]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Double ditto, hell, quadruple ditto everything Esposa wrote. Been there, done that, own the damn t-shirt shop and branded the logo.

And I hate to qualify this, because I do not want you to think we are diminishing your pain - we are not! - but there's a difference between being with someone for over a decade with marriage, property, time, etc, and being with someone for two years with a extreme infidelity and emotional abuse.

A common question you will find in this forum is asking ourselves or others what we would do differently. Given the choice, and knowing what I know now, I would not have continued my romantic relationship with my H, I would not have married him, but I would have tried to remain as good a friend as possible providing emotional support as long as he would have let me. Now? There's too much invested on many many levels to simply just walk away.

I got sucked into the vortex with my H, and like Esposa, it destroyed me. I'm still recovering. Going down the rabbit hole with your partner helps no one. It doesn't help you help him. Only he can do that for himself. The best thing you can do is pull yourself out of the hole/vortex/madness and take care of YOU.

Best of luck to you. Please take care.

#448876 - 10/01/13 02:14 PM Re: MY PARTNER KEEPS LEAVING [Re: helpneeded]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
Esposa and Valkyrie nailed it Helpneeded.

Edited by sugarbaby (10/01/13 02:14 PM)

#449268 - 10/05/13 01:46 PM Re: MY PARTNER KEEPS LEAVING [Re: helpneeded]
helpneeded Offline

Registered: 09/26/13
Posts: 4
Thank you for responding to my post. I am very greatful as it has helped alot. I decided 4 days ago to walk away and cut all contact with him as I need to look after myself for once. I cant wait around for someone who is seeing another person. I feel sad every day as I worry about him but he has chosen the other girl and I cant stick around as a friend just to get hurt more. I would have a life time of him leaving me if he does ever come back to me and I cant put myself through that. Thanks again for your help, it really changed my whole perspective and made me realise its time to make me happy.


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