I am very sorry you have to deal with this, and although its already been said I also want to tell you again that what that women, like what your brother, did to you was not at all your fault. You deserved none of those events. Do not wrap yourself in unnecessary guilt or think of yourself as an "idiot" for trusting someone. She broke your trust in the most serious and basic way - that was her doing and not something you should feel you had to predict.
Secondly, I would like to say I can really relate to what you wrote and how you feel. I was abused at 12/13 in what I thought was a relationship with an older teenager. I feel into that same relationship pattern earlier this year at 22. Let myself be used and abused despite being a 6'3" fit trained infantry soldier.
I feel it is my fault. Responsible for his actions and mine. For his emotions and mine. I also go through the "bipolar like cycle" you describe which leaves me functionally useless and unable to ever feel safe and situated in my life.
I am sharing this, hoping it doesn't sound like I am co-opting your post, to let you know your feelings, and at least a reasonable facsimile of your experience, is shared. You are not alone. Your feelings are normal, feeling responsible is normal, but you must let yourself know you are not responsible and try to free yourself little-by-little from the machinations of your mind and your experiences.
I am very sorry for your experience and hope this site is useful to you. I have found use in making personal connections with a few guys on the site and just developing relationships of mutual support.
Edited by Cthulhu (01/03/14 08:36 PM)
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”