Many of us have been in a similar place as you, and struggled to figure our lives out just as you are, and despaired and raged and hated about everyone and everything, including dysfunctional parents we were so dependent on. How could you not be angry and how could you not wish for more?
At your age now, I had just ended a couple years of being pretty much a recluse in my parents home. I was anxious most of that time, depressed, struggling with my lack of identity, felt horribly inadequate to work or do much of anything, the world really seemed a hostile and unwelcoming place. That I still had a few friends, already out in the world themselves, seemed a miracle! That they pried me out of my parents house occasionally and didn't give up on me altogether was amazing, even though their efforts weren't always the healthiest for any of us. We were all drinkers, some druggies and spent a fair amount of our time in that pursuit. I stayed away from most drugs, I was so afraid of losing control and betraying my own secrets, like being gay. I knew I was too mental to do LSD, too nervous and jumpy already to do speed, but the downs weren't bad, and then there was booze; but OMG and I'd get so sick and have horrible hangovers.
Anyway one Spring, after a long dreary Ohio Winter, I turned my parents yard into a garden paradise! I'd studied horticulture in school and always liked plants and growing things, so I guess it was pretty natural to just break out of my dismal self in this way. Amazingly, it helped me feel confident enough (believe me not greatly so!) to get a job and break my isolation more. Work made me nervous as hell, but there was money at the end of the week, my money, that part was good. It was also before my 21st birthday, I was tired of being in the closet, lonely for love and a life, and so tired of being anxious, depressed to the point of thinking about dying constantly, especially tired of my crazy family and although my earlier CSA incest certainly impacted me, it unfortunately wasn't even on the radar then, not my own or anyone else's either, not even the professionals in those days.
I was doing better, but not great and I wanted more for myself so with the help of a couple good friends I found a therapist and began working on things. From your own experience, as you know, it's not easy and seems to bring up more issues than it solves. So it goes for awhile and it can be really hard, but what's the alternative, even worse... we either end up dead or decades down the road stuck deeper than ever in our own dysfunction and addictions, no thanks!
You, my friend, can figure out what you need to do, it's going to take some time though. Your issues didn't happen overnight so it can't be undone that soon, sorry it can't happen faster for you. The good thing is that you've already begun, by seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, participating in group and being here on the MS site. You've been chipping away yourself, may not feel like it, but you have. This rage that you're feeling, that feels so horrible... it's the result of the work you've been doing. You're no longer willing to look the other way, no longer interested in denying the truth, even ugly as it can be. Look at it this way, if you ever needed proof of how fucked up your life was, just look at how pissed off you are about it!
All that said you're going to have to find ways to cope with it, the people helping you need to know how your feeling so they can help you through this. If you haven't already, please let them know what's happening. Inspite of how you're feeling now, your life is full of possibility and you along with the help of others , I include myself, will get this figured out. All of us will chip away at it together, you're not alone!
Hang on, have faith and keep trying, you are worth it, it will get better!
Gary / 1.healing
Edited by 1.healing (08/21/13 02:12 AM)
Edit Reason: added text
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."