Newest Members
LaneFiasco95, Kristabar, tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger
13512 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
almostdonew/life (42), barelysurviving (48), bigbob20 (72), billyp (68), Larry Mullen (70), Shawv (73), TheTwoOfUs (46)
Who's Online
4 registered (SDD757, LoneWolfX, Ceremony, 1 invisible), 57 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,512 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,187 Topics
490,061 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#444537 - 08/17/13 07:51 AM Truth To Overcoming Fear
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
I cried today. My little sister called me upset over our mom's drug abuse. I couldn't help my mom, I feel like I can't help myself sometimes, and now my sister is hurting, and there isn't anything I could do about it. I went outside, away from everyone, covered my face, and just started crying. I was afraid, because I keep everything together by being rational, but that was unraveling. I realized, at that moment, that I can't think myself through fears:

I'm afraid of not being normal
I'm afraid of being a failure
I'm afraid of the CSA never going away
I'm afraid I can't help myself

When someone is afraid, all their energy escapes their body and goes into their head where they start imagining things, that is why they get headaches and can't think straight. They stop breathing and their body becomes shaky and anxious. Someone cannot just calm themselves down by trying to clear their head. How many times have we told ourselves that it will be okay? Knowing that we don't believe ourselves and its just another lie we tell to ourselves as we try to get by in life feeling like a shadow of our former pre-csa kid self that we want to be so badly. Telling ourselves it will be okay when we know that nothing is going to change, so how is it supposed to be okay? Telling ourselves that we aren't a victim anymore, it wasn't our fault, we are safe, when our emotions and bodies are telling us otherwise?

We need to turn off our heads and get back into our bodies. We need to start breathing without thinking, because truth is, all that poison manifests and lives in our heads. Most importantly, we need to take ACTION!

We need to counteract our fears through action, not by talking ourselves through it. Because those are lies that we will repeat again because we never changed anything. If we fear rejection, we need to live like someone who has that magnetic personality. Not to try to make friends, or to try to lie to ourselves and become someone who we know we aren't, but to show, not tell, ourselves that rejection isn't anything, and that we can overcome rejection, just by looking at how many people are attracted to our personalities. If we fear people finding out about the CSA, we must live and act like people who haven't experienced CSA, just to show, not tell, ourselves that we aren't victims nor do we have to act like a victim. If we fear being close with people around us, we must live and treat everyone like they were close family that would die for us, and we would die for them. To show, not tell, ourselves that we are capable of getting close to people.

I'm afraid of not being normal, I tell myself I am, but to overcome that fear, I need to live like i'm normal, to show myself that I am normal, to avoid telling myself another lie. I'm afraid of failure, I tell myself that I won't be a failure, but I need to live like their is no pass or fail in life, to show myself that I won't fail, even if I don't even try to succeed. I'm afraid the CSA will never go away, and I tell myself it will one day, but I need to live like it never happened, to realize that it goes away when I decide to live life free from those chains and escape my head. I'm afraid that I can't help myself, I tell myself that I can, but I need to live life like I'm king of my world, not to show myself that I can help myself, but that i'm in total control of my life, how I see the world and how I interact with it.

The Truth To Overcoming Fear, is to take action on those fears, not lie to ourselves without changing anything. How many times have we thought how our lives would be better if certain events never happened? Well, stop thinking, and make that better life that we envision, a reality.

#444547 - 08/17/13 03:54 PM Re: Truth To Overcoming Fear [Re: si]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
We are not the hapless victims of our upbringing or our circumstances because we have the power to create by taking actions.

Thank you for sharing your insight with us! It is liberating to realize that we have the power to change our own lives by just taking deliberate steps to move away from our present circumstances (and having an infinite amount of patience).


#444576 - 08/18/13 02:47 AM Re: Truth To Overcoming Fear [Re: si]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
The first chapters of our lives were written for us...but we get to write how the book ends.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#444649 - 08/19/13 03:17 AM Re: Truth To Overcoming Fear [Re: si]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
What a wonderful and well thought out post. Reading through that list and the first two paragraphs especially I exclaimed, without exaggeration, "that's exactly how I feel." I couldn't agree with you more. CSA is an insidious beast. Not only does it traumatize us but it leaves us with a diminished capacity to overcome its terrible, compounding after effects. I think this is why so many of us go years, even decades without even facing our abuse and upon embarking towards recovery end up taking awhile because we are learning how to sail top to bottom along the way. Andre Gide said "one doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." That being said we do have tools and training available to us in the way of therapy, self-help books, and each other. Ultimately, however, we have to put that knowledge to work through our actions. Once again I really really liked this post. It reminds us not only how we can help ourselves recovery but that WE CAN do things to aid in our recovery journey. We are not as powerless or incapable as we mistakenly thought ourselves to be before recovery.

Here is a literary excerpt reasserting/reinforcing si's point that immediately came to mind:

"William James, who has never been topped in his knowledge of practical psychology, once made this observation: 'action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.' In other words, William James tells us that we cannot instantly change our emotions just by 'making up our minds to' --- but that we can change our actions. And that when we change our actions, we will automatically change our feelings."

~ Dale Carnegie ("How to Stop Worrying and Start Living")
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#444681 - 08/19/13 03:57 PM Re: Truth To Overcoming Fear [Re: si]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 306
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I was in this spot yesterday and this morning for a while - couldn't calm myself down. Normally, I would have popped a xanax, but lately, it seems mindfulness meditation is a big deal in a lot of psychotherapy communities, so I figured I'd give it a shot. If this doesn't make you feel at least a little bit better, than I'm a monkeys uncle. You'll need about 15-20 minutes in a place where you can have headphones on and meditate without being disturbed.

#444686 - 08/19/13 04:25 PM Re: Truth To Overcoming Fear [Re: si]
Rich1967 Offline

Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 608
Loc: PA

I don't know if I will ever forget the abuse or if I want to. It is a part of who I am and made me the person I am today and dare I say it - I like who I am! Do I let it rule my life - sometimes. When that happens I do what you do and take action. I am so afraid of other guys so I joined MS. I had no friends so I reached out to people here and in my life. These and other things are scary as hell, but it is so worth it. I think my knew signature will be "if your not feeling some pain then you are probably not moving in the right direction".

Thanks for your post. It's a good one.
"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
My Story


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.