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#443102 - 08/03/13 02:37 AM The healthiest way to say ...
mattheal Offline

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I freaked out last week. There is no other way to describe it. I had the realization that a lot of my thought, feelings, and behaviors are simply the reaction to the neglect and abuse I endured as a child. How can I trust my own thoughts and feelings when I have so many examples of how flawed they are. Shakey ground indeed.

Having had the time to calm down and reflect, I have tried to look at the flip side of my freak out. I was abandoned by my father, neglected by my mother, and sexually abused as a boy. But none of them could steal what is inherently me -

1. My tenacious drive
2. My love for others, especially the underdog
3. My own personal morals
4. My love of reading, learning, and music
5. My sense of humor - sarcastic and absurd
6. My sometimes waivering hope

I am working on finally fixing my issues because I deserve it, and my wife and son deserve the best man I can be. But there is a small part of me that wants recovery and continued success in life because it's the healthiest way I can say FUCK YOU to the people who stole so much from me.

What couldn't they take from you?
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

#443142 - 08/03/13 05:12 PM Re: The healthiest way to say ... [Re: mattheal]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 410
You know, that is pretty much exactly what I'd have on my list. In exactly the same order too. Teachers would disagree with number 4 though. It was just unfortunate for them that I didn't want to learn anything they were trying to teach me. I think the only thing I could add is that I always knew what was happening to me was really really wrong. I just couldn't figure out how to stop it. I know some people were tricked into thinking their abuse was ok or normal by their abusers, but for me, even though they tried to convince me it was fine, I always knew they were lying. I think it helped me massively to always have a sense of outrage about it. All those things together, they are the reason I am ok and will always be ok. Even when I seem not ok, I really am ok. Thanks for posting this. I think this is a really REALLY important topic. I have to go out right now, but I'll add some more later.

#443161 - 08/03/13 08:36 PM Re: The healthiest way to say ... [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4197
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Good thread, Matt. keep on rebuilding - just like you are doing.

What they couldn't take from me:

• The determination to cling to hope that someday things would be better
• An appreciation for beauty in nature, in man-made articles, and in humans
• The ability to lose myself in art or literature or drama as an escape and transcending tactic
• The impractical, risky presumption to cut ties, launch into the unknown, and make it on my own
• The stubbornness to succeed at something – even if my original dreams and goals were stunted and diverted by the trauma
• The audaciousness to try to have a normal relationship and family – as well as an enduring marriage and fulfilling fatherhood
• The intelligence to read and research and figure out a lot of the garbage of my past on my own
• An outrageously contradictory belief in God’s love despite all apparent evidence to the contrary
• A passionate advocacy of underdogs, the oppressed, persecuted, and victims of injustice
• A consciousness of the core of my own identity – underneath all the overlays of lies, projections and labels


Edited by traveler (08/03/13 08:38 PM)
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, β€œViolence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3


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