I wrote this poem to try to express my feelings to my counsellor. If you want to use this poem elsewhere PLEASE ask my permission first.
A cigarette end
Used, now useless, abandoned.
Just left on the ground.
A momentary fix, so quickly consumed, now without purpose
Despised by the world, my skin may decay,
but my inside is despised, cussed at,
loathed for its presence, crushed under foot.
When they picked me out
I was exactly what they wanted.
But they couldnít have me where we were.
Taken outside I was burned, oh my God it hurt so bad,
filled with filth, their body fluid on my skin,
and deep inside indelibly stained and poisoned.
That short rush that gave them that kick
sucked out of me, reducing me.
like a guilty secret quickly disposed of.
Surrounded by dead leaves off a tree
that quickly decompose and disappear into the earth
I stubbornly remain.
Not my choice, I didnít want this
Disgusted by my own presence
Shamed by my users
Shamed that I continue to pollute.
everyone just wishes I would silently go away
but I donít decay.
Iím stepped upon, kicked around
brushed away into corners
heaped into the detritus of manís desire.
So unthinking, yet calculating,
abusing whilst satisfying,
Destroying to meet a momentary need
and the remains remain, persist, in spite of my own desires
for my stained core to be restored
to be in a packet, surrounded by others,
instead of torn out, consumed, forgotten, alone.
I have no use now. Everything they needed was everything I was.
They took it without consent.
My admired slim white body
in seconds reduced to a stubbed out fag.
by their carnal desire.
I just want to disappear,
hide my filth
longing for transformation
but knowing only my extended execution.
Condemned to life
an inconvenient truth
without hope or purpose.
Trying to progress from survivor to thriver