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#441064 - 07/16/13 03:36 PM I donít want
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3956
Loc: settling in the USA again
I donít want to talk about it;
it feels intrusive to answer questions.
I donít want your commiserating pity;
it feels too condescending.
I donít want reassuring hugs:
they feel constrictive and confining.
I donít want you to protect me:
it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
I donít want conciliatory agreement;
it feels like you are humouring me.
I donít want your words of sympathy;
they sound fake and belittling.
I donít want you to be understanding;
there is no way you could ever know.

But there was once a little boy
who needed all those things above.
He didnít ever get them, though
and now he always feels that hunger:
to be kept safe, to be fixed, to be held,
for someone to know and understand
and intervene and make it all right.

I know that he still needs it all
but his needs and my wants
are working at cross purposes.

I think Iíd like a little rage;
maybe he would too.

lee
07 Ė 16 Ė 13
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#441072 - 07/16/13 04:05 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6290
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
let the lion roar!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441366 - 07/19/13 02:17 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
Dave PNW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 129
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Thanks Lee. This really hit home for me this morning. You expressed something I have been trying to get my thoughts and words around for days. I have this smoldering rage that is just below the surface. Your words helped me open some of this up. Thanks man.

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#441473 - 07/20/13 01:30 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3956
Loc: settling in the USA again
dw -

i am glad that you felt that it helped you.

i read it to my wife - after giving a strong disclaimer that i did NOT want her to take it as a criticism of her efforts to help me - or as a request to change her way of relating to me. i just wanted to explain how it is that sometimes i have these contradictory feelings and desires and that the inner conflict is difficult for me to deal with - sometimes i just get paralyzed in the tug-of-war. she did not take it as well as i had hoped - but more personally - and was hurt by what she thought it meant.

i told her at that point that the little boy version of me needed a hug and we cried together. from now on i am going to try to give her cues as to whether i need to relate as the grown-up independent version or the little lee version. it may help save us from misunderstandings.

and i am starting to see and feel flickers of the rage - that has been deeply buried and out of sight and touch for soooooooooo long. like i tried to indicate - i have a suspicion that it might bring little lee and big me together.

lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#441485 - 07/20/13 04:25 PM Re: I donít want [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6290
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i remember feeling exactly like this many many times.
it has been so long, now, that i had forgotten these emotions.
thanks for reminding me how much i have healed since then.
no matter how many problems i have,
at least i don't have that one anymore.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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