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#440853 - 07/14/13 02:15 PM I don't know why I do this
Gibby Offline

Registered: 07/13/13
Posts: 1
Loc: Canada
I'm new here. I have long prefered to just pretend my past never happened. I have a good job, great family, friends, live a normal healthly life.

But this past week out of the blue it changed. I went on Craigslist and replied to a personal ad of a gay male much older than me. I said I wanted to be controled and used. I had no intention of really meeting him but wanted to "tell my story". I did this about a few years ago on a chat site and for some reason I feel better after I do it. For me there is no sexual release, I don't have gay fantasies. So why do I seek out this type of behaviour? Has anyone else done this and how did they stop? My wife knows about my past but she also knew I never wanted to discuss it. From this event I have started to open up to her more and seek her support. I thought I was fine but now I'm starting to doubt myself.

#440855 - 07/14/13 03:00 PM Re: I don't know why I do this [Re: Gibby]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello Giby, welcome to Male survivor!
Well you know there is always so many similarities in survivor's stories that is sometimes striking.
When something happen like you said "out of blue" that lead us to do something damaging or self destructive even if that means reading something like those ads or going into chat there is always some process behind that drive us.
Some of us do something much more damaging like taking drugs, drinking heavily, looking for anonymous and risky sex, betting, the list could be very long.
For me personally it is all about porn addiction and I know that some situations could trigger some very hurtful and negative emotions that are left buried deep inside as scars of my past. So I have to be careful as those "scars" could activate those drives if I'm under stress, felt lonely/isolated and similar.
Here is very good article about overall process that is set behind:
Please read it carefully and give it some time to get to some answers.

Beside all this, please be careful when discussing personal problems like abuse is with other people. Sometimes talk about traumatizing experiences we should avoid no matter even if others would be interesting to hear it. It is very sensitive theme and we should be very careful with it. We all are unfortunately too fragile, our spouses/partners are easily lost focusing on our survivor's problems and taking care of our issues, sometimes even showing codependent traits and we survivors at other side could be self-destructive and wanting isolation form others. Such dynamics can be very difficult to manage and could bring pain to all side involved even if all would have only good intentions. So plain talk about traumatizing situations for me is not something that should be done recklessly as many monsters could start jumping around to say it like that.
So you are at good place to learn more about it. There are many stories and topics that could be very useful for reading. Also take care for yourself while here and if there is something that could be too much please take some pause and try to avoid pushing yourself.
One more time welcome!

My story


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