Recently in therapy, I yelled. I was concerned.
It came out without warning and I tried to apologize because I was concerned that people in the adjoining rooms heard me. The T told me it was not only okay, but probably healthy.
When we are young we don't have words for everything. Only later in life do they come. This is unfortunate. If we had the words much earlier, our parents might have heard something they needed to hear.
What I yelled that day was, "THAT ISN'T LOVE!"....No kidding.
It was said in reference to my father. When I was five we were on vacation. I have come to realize that on that trip, I somehow understood that he was not faithful to my Mom. My siblings have told me that they had already understood this around that time. What was different for me was that my recognition was unconscious. Instead of actually saying something to my father, like my brother did, I developed a behavior that has lasted to the present day.
In so many words, what happened to me on that vacation was that I became my father's male concubine. Although there was no actual sexual contact, there are pictures of us then and when I look at them, something registers to me as off. In my body, I recognize a tendency to want him sexually as a way of holding onto him and also showing my mother and sister how to keep him faithful.
It's scary how this layer in my psyche developed and still remains to some extent. The day I heard myself say "THAT ISN'T LOVE!" clearly and definitively was a difficult turning point, but one that ultimately brought me peace. Now I return to that day in the T's office, when I need to recall what I no longer want.
Here's my list.....
1. Love isn't wanting your father, his cock, his manhood
2. Love isn't asking for attention by seducing someone
3. Love isn't making compromises to your sexuality
4. Love isn't hoping someone will show up because you promise them the best sex they've ever had
Looking over these words, it begs the question of what would have happened had I said them at age five. My parents probably would have either put me in a monastery or gotten me pyschoanalyzed. I actually did have night terrors at this age and had to see a psychiatrist, so the latter scenario actually developed.
Now I'll add a few more....
5. Love isn't getting worked up by having sexual fantasies
6. Love isn't giving into men who are desperate for your attention so they can hide their own shame
7. Love isn't sacrificing your body for someone's pleasure
Thank you for your words heard loud, now and clear (the dyslexic poetic emphasis is intentional).
Lose the drama; life is a poem.