Newest Members
Life-is77, chairdesklamp, Bill Ohio USA, jez, Long Way Home
13596 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bellator (60), dj (52), Edinson (50), honorableman (60), TNuss (46), toddpop (57), Troy1987 (49)
Who's Online
2 registered (Imjusthere, 1 invisible), 16 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,596 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,720 Topics
493,893 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#439093 - 06/24/13 06:00 PM Nothing to say
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
I am struggling.
And god am i tired of saying that.
I am waking up every morning in tears, with no real explanation of why. About 10 minutes after I wake up the anxiety starts and gets worse and worse until all i can do is lay on the couch with a blanket and wait until my partner gets home. I often feel like Im having a heart attack. When he gets home things calm down a bit but its just other issues to deal with. I cannot eat or sleep well. I am stressed most of the time.
I am absolutely frozen in therapy sessions. I haven't been able to speak in therapy for a couple of weeks now, not even to say hello or something. My therapist is getting frustrated with me and my dr wants to put me on pretty strong medication. I don't want this, I dont think. I just want to be better.
I am dissociating a lot of the day, the time is flying by without me realizing it. sometimes whole days are going by without me knowing it.
I can't even link this to CSA stuff directly. I mean, I can, but its not like I am having flashbacks or thinking about anything CSA related. I am just frozen with this terrible anxiety and dissociation, and i don't know how to get unstuck. I am triggered all day, switchy and heart sick.
i wish i knew how to get out of this place. I haven't always been here, this is most definitely a low in a lifetime of highs and lows. and if its just a matter of waiting it out, maybe I could. But i don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.
Even this post is saying nothing. I have everything on my mind but nothing to say.
Thanks for being here, anyways.

#439111 - 06/24/13 08:03 PM ! [Re: bey]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (03/01/14 12:58 AM)

#439135 - 06/25/13 01:01 AM Re: Nothing to say [Re: bey]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 447
Loc: canada
Thanks, Gary
I think my therapist is an ok fit right now, as he does have some experience with DID and male CSA / incest. I'm not in a big city, so i don't have a huge choice in therapists, but this one has been a pretty good fit and he consults with a t In another city who has more experience with CSA issues.
It's tough when my mental health issues make it impossible to deal with my mental health issues! My T had some decent ideas to get past this road block today... Journals, emails and video messages outside of therapy so if i cant talk that day he can at least know whats been going on. I will keep working. It's better than just sitting here.
It feels like I am fighting this huge battle, but from the outside it looks like I'm just laying on the couch doing nothing.
I am sorry to hear you deal with anxiety too. I have never had it as bad as I do right now. I never knew how crippling it can be, even with medication. It's tough.
I am determined to get better. I have all these little glimmers of happiness around me, and I want to be happy.
Thanks for your support, it means so much to me, really.

#439141 - 06/25/13 02:35 AM Re: Nothing to say [Re: bey]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Dear Bey

While in general I agree with Smalltownboy '80's, You are describing symptoms of depression and perhaps anxiety attacks. You may want to go to a survivors (some call themselves Consumers) of mental health services. If there are non listed in the phone book, I am certain that the Canadian version of the National Association for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) is listed. They can put you in touch with people who have experience with the medication your doc is suggesting, and you may want to check them out before you decide about the meds.

For myself, I thought they were optional until I stopped taking them. Then no one could live with me.
feeling of being stuck (frozen) is very common. Sometimes it is accutrate, I have found that it may just be a period where my brain is sorting through and when It is ready to talk to me I discover I have new insight. I hope that is true for you.

I take anti depressants (paxil) and anti anxiety (buspar) drugs as well as wellbutrin. May your jourey be fruitful, Vaya con Dios, Go with God.

#439308 - 06/27/13 12:24 AM . [Re: bey]
JoeSmith Offline

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 129

#439341 - 06/27/13 12:06 PM Re: Nothing to say [Re: bey]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
I would consider the meds in the short term. Obviously right now you in a crisis and need to be able to work through it a bit. give yourself the opportunity to get better... you deserve it.


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.