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#435562 - 05/23/13 04:42 PM Thanks to the MS Community
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2842
I thought I might share with you all the fruits of my labors here at MS. I had my first therapy session in over ten years just yesterday. Same therapist - and he is not one to blow sunshine when unwarranted, so his professional perspectives carry tremendous credibility with me.

> 10 YRS AGO: I could not accept a hug from him after a session.
YESTERDAY: We hugged and I was able to feel safe and genuine about it.

> 10 YRS AGO: He asked me to talk about what happened when I was twelve and I couldn't.
YESTERDAY: That was ALL we talked about - and I COULD.

> 10 YRS AGO: After listening to my story, he looked at me and said, "So you were molested." And I immediately argued that I was not.
YESTERDAY: The foundation of everything we discussed was firmly set in my acceptance that I was in fact molested.

> 10 YRS AGO: I had not come out to my mom, and harbored deep resentment towards her for not protecting me from the guy next door, and I could not even talk to my sister about what we went through (when I tried, she said she cared not to discuss it).
YESTERDAY: All that work had been done - my mom is totally accepting of me being gay, I fully reconciled in my heart what I now realize was her inability to protect me and we have a wonderful relationship, and my sister and I have an incredibly full and open dialog about our past abuse.

> 10 YRS AGO: I could not describe a THING that happened to me in session beyond, "Well, you know, he did... you know." Getting me to say the word "anal" was like pulling a molar (which I probably would have prefered).
YESTERDAY: I can say precisely what he did to me. I have found the words not only to describe the acts and to describe him, but to describe my feelings about it all. And I learned to finally listen to that kid tugging at my shirt sleeve for so long, trying to share his secrets.

> 10 YRS AGO: I asked my T why it seemed nobody liked me anymore, and he suggested I try for one week to go through my life totally unguarded - that my huge defense shields kept everyone away - in fact made them run from me like the plague.
YESTERDAY: That one-week experiment STILL continues and I AM liked after all! I have wonderful deep friendships and wonderful good will between me and others I am not as close to. Such a simple fix to a baffling problem.

> 10 YRS AGO: I was aimless.
YESTERDAY: I hold a professional degree, having gone back to school.

OK - so not all this progress is due to MS. But a lot of it is, and even those things that are not attributable directly to my participation here have developed further from my association with this community.

At MS, I found my voice, discovered I could write, and developed my ability to articulate more precisely what I am thinking - true communication - which to me is everything. I wish I could name each and every one of you who has helped me along this journey, but I think you know who you are. Anyone who has shared a kind or supportive word with me gets a big hug.

So I guess I just wanted to say thanks. I'm not quite sure where the rest of my voyage is taking me. I feel like I have jumped into a river thick with swift currents of memory and emotion that I am powerless to swim against. I had my encounter with the man who molested me - a discussion. I may soon have another. Yet as much control as I think I gain, I realize just how deep this rabbit hole goes. For every answer I get, ten more questions pop up that beg for answers. And I am realizing this is a journey without a destination. I thought I had some idea of where I was going to end up - only to find that my expectations have little to do with the realities I discover. And I suppose one develops a grace in accepting that, allowing that cloak of anger and frustration from those unmet expectations to be cast off. For instance, take that meeting I had just a few weeks ago with the guy who molested me. I haven't spoken much about it. Because although I met him finally - sat down with him and asked him some hard questions - the person I really met was ME. That's not just cute-sounding abstract psychobabble. I really had no clue about the huge flood of unresolved emotions that broadsided me. Some day maybe I can share with the boards here just what that was. But I discussed it with my therapist yesterday and came to peace with it. The session opened my eyes not only to how much I have grown in the long interval, but to just how messy things really were for me as a kid. And how entrenched I still am in all this. This man wore deep, deep grooves into my sexuality - much less everything else in my life - and I'm not certain I'll be able to extricate myself fully from those patterns I learned as a mere duckling on the verge of goosehood. Nor am I sure it's worth the effort trying. I think it is enough to try and fix the world around me - the little individual worlds of others in pain that I can help. It certainly seems easier to figure out their issues than my own. Makes me feel good doing it - allows me to forget myself if only for a little while. And it certainly makes for a better epitaph:

Here Lies Eirik. He helped to wipe tears and build smiles around him.

....rather than...

Here Lies Eirik. He finally slayed his personal dragons, worked out his sex life, and died not quite as screwed up as he was earlier.

No - I'm not dying. And yes - I suppose I'm still screwed up. And I suspect the line of cars at my funeral will be a bit longer if the truth of my time here is better reflected with that first epitaph. The way I see it, more than the fortunes you make in this world, those cars have the last word. They are the only things that really follow you right to the end.

#435567 - 05/23/13 05:30 PM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1288
Well done Eirik! That is an inspiring update.

Thank you for sharing your progress with us.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#435569 - 05/23/13 06:25 PM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 08:36 PM)

#435586 - 05/23/13 09:41 PM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I am happy you have made so much progress and even moreso that you appreciate your accomplishment without trying to minimalize it. The beauty of your recovery, and I suppose all of ours, is that it elevates the survivors while inspiring others to do the same. Groups and sites like MS are incredible resources for us. Sometimes I forget how little there really seems to be out there in the "real world" for us in the way of groups, public awareness, and public support. However, MS is an oasis in the proverbial desert of male CSA awareness/support : )
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#435614 - 05/24/13 01:07 AM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Eirik. Awesome post man! Thanks for sharing and detailing all the progress you've made with us. In my relatively short time here at MS, your story and your strength is certainly something that has been inspirational to me and I'm glad to have gotten to know you. I wish you tons of luck in your continued progress with your new T. Thanks again for sharing. You're an awesome dude! Peace,


#435625 - 05/24/13 04:07 AM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
(((((( Eirik ))))))

I have always valued your input and postings here on MS. Your update is very inspirational.

Thank you for being you and contributing here. You are making a real difference.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#435627 - 05/24/13 04:22 AM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 349
Loc: MO
Hi Erik

What an awesome positive and optimistic post.

If I could get anywhere near there in the next 10 years ... WOW

#435633 - 05/24/13 05:16 AM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Hey Eirik,

You deserve all the credit for the progress you made. You did the hard work, faced your demons, felt the pain, anger and fear, and now you are reaping the rewards.

This recovery business takes however long it takes and we can't put limits on it. I am convinced I will be in the process of recovery for the rest of my life, but things are gradually getting better, and I may someday have something like a normal life. Would that be wild?

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#435647 - 05/24/13 12:11 PM Re: Thanks to the MS Community [Re: Chase Eric]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

I don't know if there are even words to say how meaningful and inspiring it is to see your accounts of real progress. It is so important for people to have role models, to see that the processes of healing and improvement are possible.

Thank you. And I'm so proud for you.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny


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