MS and the friends that I have been acquainted with here have helped me through my journey since November 2012 - I have recently been in Group T for 15 weeks - last week as part of the process I was given the opportunity to tell my story. This time, I meant a lot more to me as I now know I have a multitude of support here and at my Group. Thank you everyone.
In revealing my story to you I would ask that you keep in mind the words that I use at the beginning of each segment that in retrospect I now use to describe myself over these many years. You many find some sections explicit, but it is my way of releasing the true story that I have held inside for too many years. Additionally, I have brought in a collage of “life” photos for you to envision me in my younger years – as well, a print that I have had since the late 70’s that reminds me continually of the child that I lost so long ago.
SENSE OF ABANDONMENT, WORTHLESSNESS
Simply put, I was an unexpected arrival in my family (11 years after my only Sister); both of my parents were in their mid to late 30’s when I came along, however as the only son expectations were very high that I would be exactly like my father. Unfortunately this was not to be due to my small size and stature I did not make the cut in sporting activities and became a disappointment to my Father in my very early years. For years I remember attempting to achieve some form of male affection from him but it never developed there was never that father-son bond that I urned for and saw so many other boys having with their fathers. In my father’s eyes, I was weak, stupid and good for nothing .. useless. He would constantly abuse me verbally throughout my early years reminding me of his disappointment that I did not turn out to be like him. I had no friends except older kids that were introduced to me through my parents friends. Throughout my teenage years my parents were emerced in my sisters problems. Neither of my parents gave me guidance in my informative years – their lives rotated around my sister and I was left on my own to figure out right from wrong, I was abandoned to figure things out on my own. My relationship with my father was none existent until later years.
LOST INNOCENCE, VUNERABLE, GROOMED, TRAINED PERCEPTIONS
At about the age of 7, a new family moved in across the road. Their son Paul (13) started inviting me over to hang around – I finally felt accepted by someone – a male. Over a short period of time, he became like an older brother figure to me.
Now, I realize that slowly overtime, Paul introduced me to sexual stuff. He had already hit puberty and asked me if I’d like to see what I’d have when I grew up, but it would be our secret. Of course curiosity got the best of me and I said yes. He slid his pants off to show me his pubic hairs and asked me to touch them .. I remember as I touched them he became aroused, which I didn’t understand. He explained to me that it was ok and that it would happen to me too when I grew up too.
As time went by over the next 5 years Paul took every advantage to control my innocence and vulnerability by grooming me to pleasure him. Over these years the things he was making me do became somewhat normalized in my mind. He continued to slowly introduce to me to various sexual activities by masturbating him, getting on top of me positioning himself between my legs and humping me in addition to other oral sexual acts he wanted me to perform on him. The entire time, he would continue to watch and inspect my progress towards puberty and begin to perform oral sex on me as a trade-off.
Over those years Paul also introduced me to other older teenagers in the neighbourhood. Looking back I’m sure that he had told them that I was an easy target for their satisfaction and they took full advantage of any situation – some were more kinky and strange than the others having me insert objects into their private parts explaining to me that it was their way of enjoyment – tying me up and blindfolding me in their basement while they fondled me and rubbed against me to their satisfaction.
Over these years as well, outside of this neighbourhood circle, I was introduced into other sexual situations with older family friends camping who reinforced that this was normal by masturbating in front of me and having me touch them while they did so. Older male cousins as well, who babysat me, would have me play “doctor” with them to entertain me – however I remember they would always lead me to their groin area and have me rub them better.
As I reflect on this part of my past it was a catch 22 underlying threats and coercion were made by many of these in the in the form of mental abuse and threats of physical harm as the years continued.
SHAME, TAUNTED, BULLIED, LABELLED
During the years to follow there were many times that my trained perception of friendship, my ease of submission etc., found me in awkward situations with other guys that although they joined in freely, for mutual satisfaction, used every opportunity to label and shame me because of these actions.
With this, over time, I became extremely introverted and shy – By the time I hit my teenage years, walls and borders had unknowingly started to build within my own mind. Throughout my early years and teenage years, I was the last to be picked, the smallest one in the yard, the easiest to be picked on and bullied. A square peg that attempted continually to fit in without success.
Labels started being placed on me by my peers .. queer, fag etc. The most horrible year of my life was in my first year of grade 9. I was placed into a class that was overwhelmed with older boys who made my life a living hell. They physically and mentally abused me at any opportunity and would continually shame me in the locker room. I remember hating life at this point in time – no one was there to protect me – no one had ever been around to protect me. I became a loner – learning that the only one I could trust in life was myself – the only one I could talk to was myself and attempt to make sense of life as it was. The abuse continued, but by this time I had accepted it as somewhat normal – on demand.
My second year of grade 9 was better being in a group of people that were similar in age – however I started delving into drugs – marijuana, hash, thc, acid etc. which allowed me to hide yet finally fit in with others. It was an escape – yet part of my mixed up generation of the late 60’s early 70’s. Over this time, I had girls that were “friends” but I was too shy to become intimate with them – after being turned down for the jocks and masculine guys.
In July 1971 I was 16 going on 17 .. things were OK on the cloud and the inner world I had created for myself. On July 28th of that year, my sister gave birth to my one and only niece. Everyone was elated and celebrating the birth of the first grand-child. But unknowingly for me – my life was about to change.
That evening, my parents, by brother-in-law and myself were sitting around the kitchen table – everyone was exhausted from the events. My brother in law Bob asked my parents if I could sleep down at their place for the night, he didn’t feel like being alone. My parents agreed, even though it was a school night and Bob ensured that I would get to school in the morning. I remember my mother telling me to make sure I had a bath before going to bed.
Arriving at the apartment, we talked briefly and Bob said that I had better run my bath, so I carried on.
I remember sitting in the tub relaxing when the door opened, I immediately covered myself with the washcloth. I was shocked to see that Bob was naked coming in to the bathroom .. he said he was coming in for a shave. For some reason, I felt frozen in time .. then I remember him saying “what’s your problem” .. looking at me from the corner of his eye from the mirror – “you never seen a real man before .. get over it .. we’re both the same .. nothing to hide .. grow up!”. With that, I attempted to relax and carry on .. however, I remember feeling awkward and embarrassed with his words.
He finished shaving and left the room, I finished my bath and came out of the bathroom, heading to the living room. Normally, when I visited, I slept on the couch and asked Bob where the pillows and blankets were to make up my bed. He said he didn’t want to be bothered with the mess in the morning, just sleep in the bedroom with me. So I proceeded to the bedroom and got into bed, Bob came in shortly afterwards, turning out the light and getting into bed.
Shortly after Bob got into bed, I remember laying there and feeling something touching my thigh and moving. I reached down to brush off my thigh with my hand to find it was his penis becoming erect that was touching me. I immediately moved over to avoid further contact and remember thinking to myself what is he doing in bed naked?
Immediately, he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back towards him holding me tightly as he slowly humped me from behind .. I couldn’t move. His mouth was at my ear as he whispered “don’t move bitch”. He began to move his hand down to my groin and groping and fondling me through my underwear as I became erect myself. He pulled down my underwear, forced me onto my back and moved on top of me removing my underwear with his foot.
Pinning my upper arms he moved himself into a position to start forcing himself into my mouth .. as I fought not to allow him in by clinching my mouth .. he said “open up .. or else” .. in a state of fear I opened my mouth and he inserted himself into me .. I could hardly breath and felt like choking as he humped my face .. all the time he was groaning and mumbling words.
He withdrew, grabbed and spread my legs and began sucking me. He withdrew, spread my legs above me and began to lick me .. this didn’t last too long before he started to attempt to penetrate me .. rubbing himself on me .. I could feel something moist on me .. he lowered me and took me back into his mouth for me to climax.
Once he had completed this, he got up and walked away .. I was in tears .. shaking .. my mind was a complete mess. What had just happened? Upon returning to the room, he turned the light on and sat at the edge of the bed and lit a smoke. He then proceeded to tell me that, this was my lesson – he didn’t want a faggot for a brother in law – he only did this to teach me to man up and straighten up. He also took the opportunity to tell me that if I ever told anyone about this that he would kill me! In the morning, I tried to talk further .. his answer “talk about what?”, like as if nothing happened.
Once again, I was alone – no one would understand this – no one was there. All I remember is that after this event, I could not stand to be in his presence .. I would avoid anything to do with him .. he would always look at me and smirk. Secluded and alone I regressed further into myself and the drugs that I was taking. No one even noticed. I could not sleep in another area with a male without extreme anxiety setting in and I have relived this horror every year of my life when it’s my nieces birthday.
The following year I muttled my way through .. not remembering much. A few fatal attempts with dating and girlfriends but nothing intimate. I started to feel that I was inferior to every other male and that I was not worthy .. so much doubt filled my head.
Finally at 17, on a blind date – I met a girl and we fell head over heals with eachother .. I finally lost my virginity to a female and felt on top of the world. Although only a year and a half, I can honestly say .. it was the best out of 19 by time we separated. I often go back to this point in time in my mind .. it was one of the only times I felt truly secure and wanted. There was no abuse .. no force .. just young love.
MAJOR SEXUAL IDENTY ISSUES, CONFUSION
I moved on to a local relationship that lasted almost 3 years and included an engagement. However this girl was a good “catholic” girl .. and full out sex was taboo – however variations of oral sex without penetration did transpire over time. Our relationship was good in the beginning but changed dramatically once we were engaged .. I was owned, required to be submissive and continually dictated to. Numerous arguments ensued right through til the end.
I remember during our form of sexual intimacy being constantly told I was doing it wrong, being physically slapped in the head and punched if I did not perform exactly to her measure. She continually abused me physically and mentally as time went on whenever I didn’t gratify her. But, I was in love and the upcoming marriage was now expected.
About 2 months before we were to be married she demanded that I move out of my parents place – she said they were a bad influence on me. I couldn’t understand this I had their morals their standards .. I was confused. She continued to harp on me until I moved out – I couldn’t afford much and ended up sharing a place with another guy.
Shortly after moving out, she started harping on him. Why was he divorced? What type of guy is he? Etc., etc. She had not even taken the time to meet him, but was judging him and demanding answers.
On our FINAL NIGHT together, she said to me .. why did he get divorced … my answer I don’t know .. it’s not my business.
What if he beat his wife and he beats on you? … I press charges or move out
What if he’s an alcoholic? … that’s his issue
What if he’s gay? …. I doubt that .. there are 5 or 6 women over every night to visit him.
What if he gets drunk one night .. and sexually attacks you? … at this point I was tired of the argument lost my temper totally and said “IF he attacked me in the middle of the night like that, I’d likely lay back and enjoy every minute of it! It would be better than anything you’ve done for me lately”
With that she turned and accused me of being gay! After years of forced oral sex .. after not being allowed to be sexually active with her .. she accuses me of this!!! I was done .. walked out and never looked back. However, she left a scar that cut very deep – I wanted NOTHING to do with a woman in my life.
A state of confusion engulfed me .. all my life .. I have been trying to prove to everyone who I am, what I am … maybe they are right and I am wrong. At this stage I began to drink heavily and plunged to the bottom over the next year. I was offered a transfer in my job to Edmonton Alberta and accepted it .. to get away from everyone and everything.
SELF-ABUSE, ACTING-OUT, HATRED OF FEMALES
I remember driving out on my own and thinking .. who am I .. are they right .. maybe they are .. everyone has always told me I’m gay ..
For the next 6 years I plunged myself into the “other side” .. my drinking became very heavier and the drugs became heavier .. introducing myself cocaine, speed and other prescription highs to my cycle of life, my cycle of coping. Everybody liked the party Doug .. everybody wanted Doug .. finally .. I’ve found myself .. they were right. I became a commodity – there was no such thing as love – lust, sex and getting your rocks off was the only thing dominated this period of my life, even to the point of hustling myself for money and the thrill.
I attempted a couple of female relationships over this time, however I ran as soon as they wanted ownership or my bank account. In my eyes .. all women were out for what ever the guy was worth and would use them to their fullest extent, rent money, food money whatever they needed at the time.
Eventually, on this dark side of life people started telling me “your too fucking straight” .. you don’t belong here – you’re a breeder. Confusion and despair set in .. one night after a heavy binge, I looked myself in the mirror – wondering who I was / what I was / where did I want to go and where was I going to end up?
Shortly after that, I started hangin my a friend “Julie” / “Jules” .. and we started to become closer friends – she knew of most of my past (except the younger years) and accepted the broken me. Our friendship quickly turned into a romance engaged 3 months later and married within 6 months after that – a total lifestyle change – moving back to Belleville – where for the past 30 years I have managed to bury things deeply and put in place very strict and thick borders to anyone. No one would know “me” – no one would want to know “me” – they wouldn’t understand.
Everyone in my life became an acquaintance, I give them what they wanted to see but no one knows the true me.
During our marriage, there have been hurdles – flashbacks – unfounded accusations – but, we have managed to keep it together. I have never felt adequate from the beginning – another man would have given her a much more fulfilling life. But I always keep these feelings to myself – bordering my emotions.
PEOPLE PLEASER, TOO CARING, TOO TRUSTING, BURIED WOUNDS OPENED
I have always been a people pleaser, Doug can never say NO and over the past 5 years I’ve been put to the test dealing with my daughters Mental Illness. I threw myself into her recovery and neglected myself at the same time.
This past summer, a young man who we have known for years came into her life and ask for her hand in marriage. There was some hesitation as he suffered from Mental Illness as well, but we all figured they could help each other and that they should take their time.
I started becoming involved with Chris as well as my daughter .. he was fighting an uphill battle .. his parents had disowned him and thrown him out – cutting him off completely from his family. Initially our relationship was great, he helped me around the house painting, yard cleanup etc. It was like I had the son I never had. I helped him arrange his appointments, medications etc.
Some of our talks got fairly deep and one day he opened up to me about his childhood abuse .. in turn I opened up to him about mine with the understanding was had that this would remain between us. I confided in him, to let him know that things can work out .. you can live with the demons from the past and that they eventually become grey areas in your memories.
There were times during this relationship that he would joke around about gay issues – but it was more so in a jocular fashion that I thought was completely innocent – just banter.
Over the summer, things became questionable and rough, verbally and physically, for my daughter regarding this relationship and I was doing anything I could to try and save it. This young man had a jeckle and hyde complex – calm one minute and vicious and threatening the next.
One night, my daughter phoned me .. she was having a few people over to play cards, but he would not play unless I came over. I wanted to see her enjoy her evening .. so I went over.
When I arrived, he asked me to come into his room with him. He had been drinking and wanted to talk. The conversation was brief but he ended it with a hug and he said “I want to take away all of your pain Doug”. Before I could get an explanation he was out of the room .. I texted him saying “hey .. we need to talk .. where did that come from”. I did not get a response and the evening progressed into a very heavy drinking night.
My daughter passed out in her room and he followed shortly after. A friend of theirs and I cleaned up she was sleeping on the couch in the living room and I took the bed in the second bedroom. It wasn’t long before I passed out myself.
I don’t know what time it was, but I woke up out of a dead sleep. Chris was kneeling on the floor beside the bed I was in – starring at me. I called him but he didn’t answer, I got up and said to him “what are you doing, go back to bed”. I got him up on his feet and walked him to the door. I returned to the bed.
Before I knew it, Chris was in the bed with me and hugged me tightly from behind, I rolled onto my back instinctively. His hand started groping and rubbing my chest and I removed it – he immediately returned it and before I knew it, his hand slid down under my underwear into my crotch and he started to masturbate me!
My mind was reeling .. I was afraid of where this was going to go .. especially with his violent tendencies .. I was frozen if fear of what could happen if I tried to fight back .. in that moment being unsure of the repercussions, I submitted to the assault and allowed him to take control.
As he continued, he attempted to penetrate me – thankfully without success – he then continued to go down on me – holding me in place until I climaxed. He then got on top of me and humped my wet stomach until he finally climaxed. I attempted to speak to him, but he got up and left the room .. I remember laying there my mind still reeling and crying myself silently to sleep. What did I do to deserve this ……
The next morning, I attempted to talk to him .. starting the conversation with “you crossed the line last night” … his response was “shit happens when your drunk”. The shame and guilt I felt was unbearable – if this was his way of “taking away my pain”, it didn’t work. I attempted for numerous days after that to communicate with him, without response.
The following week, he began to verbally assault and threaten my daughter .. in the heat of their argument he told my daughter that I had raped him! My daughter was now thrown into the middle of his newest shitstorm. This was an unbearable time for me, as my daughter questioned my actions, but realized after speaking to me and her friend that was in the apartment as well that it was a bare face lie to take control and get me out of her life.
SELF AWARENESS, REFLECTION, HEALING BEGINS
Shortly after this incident my wife and I left on a 3 week vacation. My mind was not there, I wanted closure. For the first part of the vacation I threw myself into drinking heavily .. one night I remember just sitting and thinking drinking myself into oblivion .. luckily I managed to make it back to the room but it was 4:30 in the morning and I was a total mess. Once again the borders in my mind closed and I spent the rest of the vacation in a mental vacuum .. finally deciding in the end that it was time to take care of myself instead of everyone else.
When I returned from holiday, I researched online to find answers to my questions, which lead me eventually to CMHA .. I came out to a therapist there who I knew would understand .. he lead me to Male Survivor and to the Quinte Sexual Assault Centre earlier this year.
After my first awakening at the Male Survivor Weekend of Recovery .. I joined our group which has helped me every Tuesday and truly every day to continue this journey .. I find myself changing on a daily basis over the past 4 months – I garnered new HEALTHY INTIMATE male relationships which have enlightened me .. I truly love and cherish everyone who has assisted me through this darkness – especially those that I have finally found who I can truly share with understanding.
Before finishing my time .. I want to play one more song .. we can breath – I dedicate this song to all of you and those men who I’ve meant during this journey .. and those who will hopefully follow in our footsteps
We are a good men with a good hearts
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But we’ve finally learned to let it go
Edited by ModTeam (05/14/13 05:07 PM)
Edit Reason: added trigger warning