- Trigger warning-
Thirty five years ago at the tender age of eight I was sexually abused by two teenage boys repeatedly. The 1970s were a different time, where there was greater freedom and less oversight by parents. During that summer at the local elementary school-community pool-playground complex the two teens (14-15 years old?) repeatedly coaxed me into the adjacent woods to “play games” such as cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, doctor and patient, and skinny dip in a neighboring swimming hole. Being a little boy of very low self esteem, I was as ADD as one could imagine, mischievous, and frequently over my father’s knees or feeling the crack of my mother’s wooden spoon, I looked up to the boys and was even proud of myself for their interest, starving for positive attention. But, I now know (and knew even at that tender age) that these short excursions into the woods went way beyond normal kid play, and truly impossible for a boy of eight to fully comprehend. I recall normal fun and interaction, but then their actions evolved into molestation as I was held and frisked as part of the “games.” I was stripped, fondled, and sucked. I was forced to fondle and perform orally on the teens. I was both warned verbally and with a switch on the backside that these games were for our secret club only. Why did I go back with them after the first time? It is so unexplainable. I was so confused with bewilderment and fear but do I daresay some kind of intrigue, proud to have been chosen and shown attention by teen role models. I just do not still understand the paradox and complexities of the emotional, physical, social, sexual feelings, and the accompanying pain, shame, and mind-games. I am finally in therapy, have disclosed this mysterious and dark past to my loving and supportive wife (I Thank God), and am trying to tackle the many triggers and addictions (such as SSA, porn, S&M, spanking, wrestling, skinny dipping, naturist activity in the woods, underwear-speedo-short shorts-jeans fetishes) that have taken their toll, manifested in my secret life. I wish that I had sought out help long ago. The CSA has caused much pain and suffering, but it is time to move forward and seek to overcome its powerful grip for my marriage, my family, and some semblance of peace. The MS community has been a God-send. It is only after weeks of reading the stories of others, powerful advice, and knowing that I am not alone, that I feel I can share my story and in addition to my therapy, spirituality, support from family and friends, call upon the MS community to help me come to terms with the distant past, more recent past, and hope for a future of coming to terms with what happened to this little boy so long ago and its long-lasting, clutching grip on my very being.
Edited by ModTeam (05/06/13 06:43 PM)
Edit Reason: added trigger warnig