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#433769 - 05/06/13 06:26 PM Re: Sex problems [Re: kinghenri]
BuffaloCO Offline

Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 490
I think healing is a huge part of the process. My T asked me what I think sex is, and for me the whole idea is that it is something you do for someone else. I know that's whacked, and I have to work on my programming to get away from that idea. I will too, and will heal then it'll be something else. Right now, I just don't know what that is.
�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

#433771 - 05/06/13 06:41 PM Re: Sex problems [Re: kinghenri]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: kinghenri
I'm don't want to roll over and give up on this.
I'm not going to have my manhood stripped away like my childhood was.I won't fucking stand for that.

Good for you Henri for being unwilling to give up on sex. We all deserve to be able to take part in one of life's great pleasures.

But wow, ain't this a can of worms! We could start a new site: "" Yes of course I can identify with your problems, I've had it all...hypersexuality (anything with 2 legs), never staying present during sex (always fucking....never making love). Sex was just another drug to numb myself to my pain. And at the other end of the spectrum, asexuality, ED, DE (delayed ejaculation), and then theres porn....Oy Vey!

I've never been able to be sexual without the ghost of that SOB looking over my shoulder. I'm presently in a program of sexual sobriety: no sex, no porn, no MB. I have committed myself to not have sex until I'm healthy enough to be able to participate fully, satisfy my partner, and emotionally engage. Therapy is a big help, but the real work is learning to live without that orgasm fix, and still be okay as a man. Its been a year,and I'm making progress. Maybe it helps that I'm older. I don't know that I couldn't have managed this when I was 25, 30, or even 40.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#433843 - 05/07/13 03:18 AM Re: Sex problems [Re: kinghenri]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I am glad you are beginning to delve into this aspect of your recovery. Sex can be a wonderful part of our lives once more and I am happy you have chosen to reclaim it as you deserve. To be honest, I have not begun that part of my journey yet but when the time comes I look forward to moving beyond being a "performer" and instead becoming a partner.
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#433875 - 05/07/13 02:42 PM Re: Sex problems [Re: kinghenri]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4223
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Originally Posted By: kinghenri
Someone please please pleeeeaaaase tell me they've managed to overcome sexual dysfunction because I'll be damned if I'm going to live my life without enjoying sex. I'm don't want to roll over and give up on this.

OK - kinghenri - i have overcome the majority of my dysfunctions. i dont know that i will ever be totally unaffected by what happened. and it fluctuates from time to time. but i am very happy with where i am now and wasn't sure i ever would have reached this point. there is hope. of course, all of our stories are different. but many of the results are similar. and i believe that many of us can be at least partially restored. dont want to make any promises or generalizations - but that's my experience.

PM if you like.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#433978 - 05/08/13 03:56 AM Re: Sex problems [Re: kinghenri]
kinghenri Offline

Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 221
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thank you.
Thank much.
If it's possible, I will get there.
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

#433982 - 05/08/13 04:27 AM Re: Sex problems [Re: kinghenri]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 344
Loc: MO
Dear kinghenri and others.


Yes you can have sex, be present, ejaculate in her vagina, stimulate her to achieve orgasm while fucking. There are some special circumstance.

1. The heavier the dose of anti depressents the more impotent I become. Viagra helps but only some time can I achieve ejaculation.

2. If you are angry, or your partner is angry, It probably won't work.

3. During menopause (if your partner is that age) it is a crap shoot. But I don't know if it isn't a crap shoot for everyone.

4. If I feel safe, then the sex is better.

5. If I make her achieve orgasm before I enter her, I like to give oral sex, there is less pressure and less urgency to achieve ejaculation. I don't feel so bad if on this or that occasion I fail.

6. When I am overwhelmed with the memory of his fucking my mouth or my ass. I don't even try. (this is only about once a month for me now).

This is my experience. I am only counting the time since I got sober and into therapy. While I lived in denial, sex was a lot easier. My denial wasn't of the memories, but of the damaging emotions.As I became connected with my emotions, the sex was better, but it was less frequent.

Currently my girl friend no longer wants sex. It has been about 2 years, She says it is O K to fuck other women, but it doesn't feel right to me.

Edited by ModTeam (05/08/13 08:46 AM)
Edit Reason: added trigger warning

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Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

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