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#432105 - 04/23/13 12:39 AM husband CSA victim and sexual desires...advise ple
mbwife123 Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 1
Loc: Texas
I'm new here and hope I'm posting in the right place.

My husband has always been into SPH (small penis humiliation), cuckold fantasies, erotic humiliation, ect. When he first told me about all of this I was shocked as I had never been in a relationship with a man who shared these thoughts/fantasies with me. In the beginning I was very uncomfortable saying/doing some of the things he asked. However, over time I became more and more comfortable with this type of sexual play to the point where now...I think I'm pretty dam good at it.

Around 6 months ago my husband shared with me that he was violently sexually abused by his father from as early as he can remember until age 8. I am the first person he has EVER told. He's 43. At the time he told me I was strictly instructed that I may NEVER bring this subject up again....

As anyone reading this can imagine I have more questions than I can wrap my head around, but I will start with this one....

I fully understand that not every man who enjoys/desires erotic humiliation was a victim of CSA, but some are. For reasons I'd rather not get into I personally believe that in his specific situation there is absolutely a direct link between the two. However, I'm not 100% sure that he does.

At this point I'm fairly uncomfortable participating in this type of sexual play. If I do participate am I continuing to facilitate his sexual shame associated with his abuse? Has anyone here ever participated in this type of play....then after some type of therapy or recovery had negative feelings towards a partner who engaged in this with you?

Any advise, thoughts, or opinions greatly appreciated.

#432108 - 04/23/13 01:07 AM Re: husband CSA victim and sexual desires...advise ple [Re: mbwife123]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
If I do participate am I continuing to facilitate his sexual shame associated with his abuse?

I would think so. But I wonder what would happen now if you stopped. Maybe you need to transition to something else.

But honestly I don't get into that. Others here could give you more insight.

#432110 - 04/23/13 01:19 AM Re: husband CSA victim and sexual desires...advise ple [Re: mbwife123]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Does he have a therapist for his csa? If he does, I would ask him or her.

Sexual fantasies can be a way of reenacting abuse so I would tread very carefully and get some professional advice.

#432910 - 04/29/13 10:27 PM Re: husband CSA victim and sexual desires...advise ple [Re: mbwife123]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Definitely. Do you have your own therapist? That might be a good starting point for you: clarify your feelings surrounding this, and work on approaches to changing it.

I sometimes wonder if any of my H's faves are abuse-based, and it's difficult to trust when he says they're not. He's not particularly fetishistic, however, or not to a degree too far off from Vanilla Life. If I'm not feeling into it, I just say "I'm not up for ___, but what about ___ instead?" (The second blank is where I suggest something that's fairly obviously safe, or is at least safer from what I can gather from the details I do know.) it's difficult not knowing if stuff we've done all along is perpetuating internal abuse cycles and re-enactment. I have to trust that I'm getting the truth. It may mean actually asking at some point, but I would definitely only do so with therapeutic guidance.


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