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#429371 - 03/28/13 01:23 PM When do I get to play?
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
No one really cares about how I feel. They only care about what I can offer them. It's "nice" and "great" that I'm getting help, as long as it (and the secret) can stay behind closed doors. I am expected to be FULLY FUNCTIONAL in the other 167 hours a week.

Its BULL. If I were fully functional, I wouldn't need therapy.

As I went through this (and still am), I've learned I'm trying to live up to expectations. I am constantly trying to figure out what it is I should be doing, often mimicking those around me. I am trying to live up to the expectations the world has for me.

What should I expect now? I was sodomized for 6 years and mentally tortured my entire childhood. My ONLY basis for confidence and self worth are the compliments I receive, when I do something good, that serves someone else's needs, which are the expectations I've come to know for myself.

I feel so very broken and like I am living for everyone else. How can I start living for me?

When do I get to play?
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#429379 - 03/28/13 02:10 PM Re: When do I get to play? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 690
Loc: where the shadows lie
Honest answer: When you fight for it. People aren't going to give you space. No one is going to say "good job, you've done enough." I hope you have someone in your life who loves you, but that will always be the minority. The majority of the people who you deal with on a day to day basis are dealing with their own issues, too narrow to see someone else in pain.

You have to be your standard. As long as you let someone else tell you whether you are good or bad, they will also use that to just get you to do more and more for them. You have to learn for yourself when it is time to say "enough!"

Be your own advocate. Figure out for yourself what you want and go for it. Don't wait for others to tell you what to think of yourself. Respect yourself. Be proud of yourself. And the crazy thing is that if you do that, others will respect you for it.

I know that's all not very specific. You kind of have to plug the specifics in for yourself. But I hope it helps.
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

#429381 - 03/28/13 03:02 PM Re: When do I get to play? [Re: Jacob S]
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 334
Loc: New York City

Thank you for this. It is what I need, too. I am in Al-anon (I was raised by an alcoholic) and many people in this group are learning how to not define themselves through what other people think of them.

I am someone who has waited for someone to come along and "save" me and make me feel secure and good and worthwhile. It is very had to face that I didn't feel any sense of self-worth at all. I wasn't treated by parents that way and I was used and tossed away by men who abused me for my youth and innocence and whatever other needs they tried to use me to meet in their sick, warped, selfish and sick ways.

I've seen myself through the eyes of others who were sick and twisted and I believed (without knowing it) that what they thought about me was the truth of who I am. I am coming out from that lifelong coma and seeing how poorly I was raised and abused and not affirmed and loved.

csasurvivor1992 - you raised exactly the questions that I am asking too. When is it my turn? I keep waiting for someone to give me permission and that is a real stopping point for me. For me, I am so afraid to put myself out there and be visible and then for people to know about all the shameful things that I've tried to hide and manage. Being aware of this dynamic, is a beginning and it is very difficult to face the past and the self-critical and -defeating ideas that were imposed upon me.

And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

#429393 - 03/28/13 07:45 PM Re: When do I get to play? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
"I am expected to be FULLY FUNCTIONAL in the other 167 hours a week. It's BULL. If I were fully functional, I wouldn't need therapy."

I know how you feel...

"Ah well recovery is all well and good csasurvivor1992 I don't care what you do in your free time but could you stop being a survivor of child rape for just a moment, put aside its long term debilitating after effects so I can have my "normal" husband/employee/friend/sibling/citizen back? I mean haven't you been in recovery for over a year!? Perhaps I should begin implying through my words/actions that you somehow bring this pain upon yourself or that you are just doing it for attention?"

I am being too harsh and not everybody is like this by far but it is how things feel some days. As frightening for me as it is to agree with Jacob I think he is right. It just scares me because self-love, self-confidence, and self reliance are so illusive to me sometimes.
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#429399 - 03/28/13 08:45 PM Re: When do I get to play? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:54 AM)

#429457 - 03/29/13 02:26 PM Re: When do I get to play? [Re: csasurvivor1992]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Publius... spot on... everyone wants me to fit in their little role for me. Everyone. My wife, my sister, my mother, my coworkers.

If they only knew the depths of this crap and how far down it goes.

Your comment on self love and confidence... spot on. How do I even begin to be me, and more, how do I let other's in on what I'm doing without giving them control? I like photography. My wife suggested I look into pet photography for our apartment complex. Intriguing and exciting idea at first, but then it became a task I had to complete.

Damn. I told her I wasn't in to that.

Thank you all for the comments. Venturing out into a forum like this is very new for me. You have all made far less scary.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.


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