Guys I'm not sure have you known that I have a lot of problems with hyper sexuality and porn addiction. Somehow after I've stared therapy I became even more fragile and vulnerable and I must admit more sensitive and prone to fall to my old habits. I already was thinking a lot about it and discovered that mainly feelings of isolation and loneliness were triggering my need to escape reality.
It is connected to my childhood and some moments when I felt like that and like unseen by my parents. It is difficult for me as still sometimes Iím out of reach for people around me.
So in mean time I went further with my therapy and made some progress. I discovered my childish nature that has been preserved almost intact and that often drives me and my actions. That is the reason why I sometimes have lack of focus and canít do something that is scheduled and looks like some obligation. In fact Iím terrible unpredictable and like living in short moments thinking only on things that suite me and my current mood. I have many times a lot of difficulties and internal fights to fit in because of that and Iíll be honest to say that I almost never plan some things in my life; I just donít know how to do it. In my job Iím spending a lot of time on non important things and than suddenly I rush like hell and impulsively jump into work when is almost too late. Somehow I always succeed but I would love so much if I could be more predictable there.
Couple weeks ago I made like some short reminder about things that I should keep an eye on with aim to keep focus on my healing and things that I consider as important.
I put on paper:
- having assertive and positive thoughts about myself on daily basis,
- do at least one good thing to self at day
- regular short exercise
- trying to sleep more than 6 hours
- going in bed without laptop,
- less porn, masturbation and internet overall
- trying to read every day some book/article about healing
- regularly praying for short
- always trying to do something that will move me out of my comfort zone
- reading, learning and exploring things relating to my confusion in sexual terms
- tiding my apartment on regular basis, lol
- checking regularly status of all thing written above.
After two weeks of trying to put some frame to my life to say so I talked with my T about it and she concluded that I put on paper all aspects of my environment in physical and spiritual sense.
She asked me if I could find some things that I escaped the most and with which I have the most problems from the list.
I was thinking for short and I knew that answer is: having assertive and positive thoughts about myself on daily basis and doing at least one good thing to self. Somehow I always skip something that is connected to myself and always looks like others have priorities.
In all other aspects I was relatively successful: exercise, less porn/MB, still in war with laptop in my bed, reading, tiding my apartment and pushing me out of comfort zone.
I need to add that I also missed many times to check my status on daily basis and did it in very irregular tempo.
I'm the most proud and happy relating to porn and masturbation habits as both these activities declined but still there is a lot of work ahead of me. In the worst phase I did MB couple of times a day and now I stuck with habit of doing it once a day.
I was thinking this morning under what circumstances Iím doing it and the answer is usually in morning when Iím somehow the most anxious. I was keeping thinking on it and trying to feel that anxiety that bothers me for some time and for which I canít find the source and this morning something emerged.
It is not just anxiety but rather some other feeling that can trigger me to look for my old habits. It is feeling of absolute freedom in terms of managing my time. When Iím feeling that I have absolute freedom to do whatever I could think on and Iím sure that no one would bother me there is chance for me to go to world of porn.
It reminds me of my childhood again when we have to do some work with our parents in garden or on construction site of our house (we were slowly building new house by our own hands for years). I hated moments when we were taken there and I felt it like sort of punishment. Iíve seen all other kids without any such obligation playing around and we have had to assist my parents in some works. It wasnít something difficult but anyway I have had terrible feelings about it, I felt like caged lion for those couple of hours and when everything would finish I would be like flaying on my way to home in search for other kids to play. And I caught it, it is that feeling of freedom that also is triggering me many times. I'm ashamed to admit that when I was kid and feeling like that me and my twin brother would do mutually some things and sexual games that escalated with time.
It is repeating now when I meet or spend some time with my family and if because of some reasons I'd feel again like unseen, unheard and almost like caged. After I would be free I could spend couple of hours or even all day long in watching porn, doing MB and feeling like releasing some huge inner pressure. I would feel that pressure building whenever there would be some talks about future plans or politics with high tones and no matter even for how long I'd need to wait to be free I knew that I would feel tempted than...
So that was one more puzzle that I wanted to share with all of you as my daily routine for moving out of my comfort zone. I was also thinking to make this post out of public boards but decided to leave it here.
Let's fight our shame