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#428735 - 03/22/13 10:43 PM Tired of being alone
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
Itís only been a couple of months since I let my secret of CSA be known and started on the process of recovery. Iíve worked with a really good T, and with the support of the members of this site, Iím off to a relatively good start. There are ups and down, as to be expected. I will say, however, that the whole process has been harder than I realized. I recently had a breakthrough with my T, and Iíve learned to recognize what I am and am not responsible for regarding the CSA. This past week the session focused on my role in recovery and creating my life post abuse. This has been really hard to deal with. Iíve accepted that the CSA wasnít my fault. Iíve accepted that SSA is a not uncommon occurrence of CSA. Even some of the acting out that Iíve done has been due to the abuse, so I canít beat myself up for that.
What I am having a hard time with are the actions that Iím responsible for and the life Iíve created over the last 40 years. I have accepted that Iíve done these things. I have been presented with multiple opportunities to choose the direction of my life, and Iíve repeatedly chosen the path of loneliness and isolation. Now, I must live with those choices, and it is this realization that hurts me the most. Frankly, right now Iím alone. I have driven away friends, family, and potential love interests. I have failed to realize my academic potential. With regard to employment, I have missed out on job opportunities, as well as career advancement and job satisfaction. My life could be filled with friendships, family, romance, and children, and, in the future, grandchildren; in other words, the markers that define a happy and healthy life. Instead, it is defined by solitude and the loneliness that accompanies it.
Frankly, Iím tired of being alone. I wish I had someone. I wish I had friends, and I wish I had a special someone. I realize that I have no one to blame for my situation but me, which I accept, but which is still hard to live with. Not only do I lack close relationships, but I feel I lack the skills necessary to form and build relationships. I have always picked being alone, and now I donít know how to stop being alone. I donít know that I know myself well enough to know what Iím looking for or what types of relationships would be good for me. In addition, I lack the skills necessary to begin, and nurture relationships. Iím sure that my self- image is different than how others see me. My reality is not the reality of the rest of the world. It may have met my needs at one point, but that point is long gone. Iím responsible for the gap between my world and the world around me, but I donít know how to integrate the two.
I donít know where I would best fit in, so that the group would not only support and complement my interests, morals and values, but where I could contribute to the overall success of the group.
Dating is a disaster. I donít know what women want. I often come on too strong, and at other times too timid. Iím either side stepping situations or backtracking from my actions. Iím never just being. And when things go well, I freak out, not being able to handle intimacy. I wouldnít know how to be a good husband
MS has been a great experience for me. Reading of the experiences of others has been quite beneficial for my recovery. I realize that my actions and experiences arenít that much different than those of other guys. That is huge in terms of my recovery. Nevertheless, I still donít feel like I truly fit in or belong here, and that somehow, Iím the odd one, the last to be picked for the team, the one that nobody wants.
If I have to, Iíll continue to live like I have. After all, whatís another 20 or 25 years alone? However, I wish I didnít have to. Iíd like to change, and be the person I was meant to be. Does anyone have any ideas of what I need to do, how I can change if I need to so that I can change the experience that is my life?
Thanks, DavoSwim

#428737 - 03/22/13 11:00 PM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 353
Loc: MO
Well DAVO,

So alone and don't fit in/ My advantage is that though I don't fit in I do have friends, No sex, but friends.

What you may want to consider is owning what you like, wether that is music, or dancing, or bowling, etc. and either ask some one to join you or find a place where it is happening and join those there.

Fear is what has always kept me isolated. And accepting that I am vulnerable wether I am alone or with oyhers is very difficult. But it is true, and since I will be vulnerable any way I might as well find others to hang with. And, to hang where I would like what is going on anyway, even if it is just watching a sports game on T V at the local sports bar.

If you are too distant to initiate contact, then go somewhere that you are forced to have contact. Dancing is an example, looking at paintings or other museam attractions and just making a comment aloud about it, if someone is interested they may initiate contact with you. Remember you have nothing to lose. And if it doesn't feel good. Stop and try again another day or at a different venue.

Only when you engage can you decide if you like the result and want to change.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

Good luck

#428743 - 03/22/13 11:48 PM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: DavoSwim
....I donít know what women want. I often come on too strong, and at other times too timid. Iím either side stepping situations or backtracking from my actions. Iím never just being. And when things go well, I freak out, not being able to handle intimacy....


You don't need to be a CSA survivor to not know what women want, or have a hard time with intimacy. Those are just common male characteristics. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Perhaps your CSA related issue is more with trust, as mine is. "Trust someone to love me, even like me? Seriously? If I let myself get close to someone, they might find out my secrets, and hate me for it, or even worse, hurt me again." Its been a tough mindset to overcome, but I'm working on it.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#428745 - 03/23/13 12:34 AM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
I can totally relate.

I've been lonely a long, long time. I've no clue how to make this better other than to keep doing what I'm doing (and slowly going mad in the process).

My therapist, sponsor and people in program all keep saying I'm on the right path. I meditate, and am learning self compassion and learning to love myself.

But I'm still fucking lonely (and depressed as a result).

I never wanted to live this way, and I feel betrayed by having the promises of life stolen from me.

Edited by Magellan (03/23/13 12:34 AM)

#428748 - 03/23/13 01:05 AM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Well said, Magellan.

I'm sad and lonely too. And angry that my life, my ability to form a relationship, has been taken from me.

I talked to my priest about it this week, and he said i was in mourning, that I was grieving the loss of the life that I could have had. I hadn't thought of it that way, but he's right.

The only thing I can add DavoSwim is this: you're not alone when you have MS. We're your brothers and we're in this together.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#428758 - 03/23/13 01:52 AM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2866

You are certainly not alone. This is precisely why CSA is so damaging - it thwarts our identity, character, self-confidence, sexuality - everything. I have always said that this is a place of shared experience - not a light thing to say since I suspect what we talk about here were our most closely guarded secrets as kids. So I can share, and here is what I have found.

For me, it was all about first finding myself and squaring with who that was. I spent years fighting me - accepting myself was fundamental to accomplishing anything else. Also, be aware that as tough as things are and as much as you feel slighted, your life is unfolding as it should. The most significant people in the world - those whose time here was truly worthwhile not just for themselves but for the world around them - have not had the easy or "perfect" life you mourn for yourself. Change your paradigm - maybe you are NOT supposed to be "filled with friendships, family, romance, and children ... the markers that define a happy and healthy life."

I would argue not to look at life's norms to determine your standard, Davo. Look at the special burden that fate - or God - has put on your shoulders. Maybe the idea is not to shed that burden, but to carry it further to the wellsprings of a higher mountain.

#428767 - 03/23/13 03:04 AM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Davo, I wish I could give you sound words of advice on how to proceed with building friendships, relationships and a social life. The only thing I can offer you is one more voice assuring you that you are not alone in your isolation. The older I have gotten, the more I have grown to wrap myself in isolation like a security blanket. These days that security blanket is more like a cocoon.

My best friend is a guy I've known since the ninth grade and we hang out maybe once a month. At 38, I've had one girlfriend in my adult life and that lasted for about a year. I've had other friends and acquaintances over the years but they always fade into oblivion and normally those relationships were only based on proximity or on my drinking and/or smoking weed with them. My only real company these days is my brother, who I am roommates with, and our two cats.

I don't envy you, Davo. If you really are tiered of being alone I can't imagine how hard it must be and how staggering the task of breaking out of your isolation must seem. My isolation and my solitude is my comfort zone. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave that comfort zone. The fact that you want to leave your own comfort zone means to me that you have the strength to want to leave that comfort zone. If you have the strength to want to leave it, I have to believe that means you have the strength to leave it and succeed. Where there is effort, there is always hope, always.

Beyond that, all I can say is good luck. Any real "advice" I could give on this subject would just be like a blind person trying to tell another blind person where a path was that neither of them could see. Good luck finding that path. Take care. Peace,


#428867 - 03/24/13 01:11 AM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
RollerCoaster Offline

Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA

You look like a strong man to me. Honestly, you are recognizing that being lonely and sad is a problem and you are sharing it here, which requires courage.

Reading your message felt like coming out my mouth. I am very much in the same boat. I am 31 years old, never been in a relationship, a virgin. These days I am trying to build a social circle. Some days I am able to organize something social for me, other days are just lonely, sad and end up in masturbation or porn. However, my social life now if better than what it was a year ago. Definitely better. From my very limited experience I can tell few things that worked for me:

1. Working out: I try to do something for my health everyday. It puts me in a good mood and I am more likely to call someone or organize something for the evening. It just shifts my focus. When i skip my workout for few days, life starts to look sad again.

2. Devour books on social skills for shy people. I just started reading this book - "shy to social" by Christopher Gray. Its reads good so far. It is geared towards dating women. Hope you wouldn't some of that in your life ;-)

3. Last week I had this breakthrough, when I realized that - "My life gets better when I take initiatives and do something. It gets better when I am creating, rather than waiting and watching". We had a rough start, but I strongly feel that we have to create our lives, rather than wait for someone to fix us.

4. Do something that really electrifies you and involves social interactions. How about meeting women? Maybe you can join some course, seminar or workshop on dating skills. I am thinking about doing something similar too. I have problems in this area but deep down I am willing to put more efforts in this area than going for a running workout with a group.

Although, I may sound like I am preaching a lot, I am very much in your shoes. I have good days when I make calls and have a good time with "friends" and have my bad days when I am sad and cry alone in my home. I don't have a therapist now (dumped my last one few months ago, as she was very lazy).

Breathe deeply and make some calls my brother :-)

#428869 - 03/24/13 01:20 AM Re: Tired of being alone [Re: DavoSwim]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
@ roller coaster - thanks for the ideas. They are definitely worth trying. I will definitely get a hold of that book and read it. Good luck to you too in your efforts to meet women. It has to pay off sometime. right. Take care, DavO


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