Today during therapy I had a difficult session. I began to realize much of my pain and hurt comes from within. I have not been able to accept the part of me that feels special toward the abuser my child. I realized I am looking for the child in me, before the abuse. Sadly, I need to accept that child in me has not existed for decades, but my memories long for that time. When the abuse began that child seems to have died and the new child within was created from the abuse.

I have heard this before in support groups but I could not accept I could be in the same place. I am. I have found it difficult to let the child I was go and accept the child the abuser left behind. But now it seems I must mourn the loss of who I was as a child before the abuse and learn to love the child that came from the abuse. I read the article by Ruben Rosario that has been posted on this site. His last paragraphs opened my eyes

"I embrace and celebrate now that little abused boy who will always live inside me. I'm not ashamed of him anymore. He is no longer dumb or stupid. I thank him for helping me to be nobody's fool, to develop a healthy skepticism about human nature that has served me well in my chosen profession, and to be more empathetic and passionate about this and other issues and the plight of others.

As Chesley so eloquently put it last week: "I nurture him now. I give him a lot of love. I'm good to him today." "

I have never embraced the child in me. I must learn to love the child that I have longed despised. I am learning that this child is part of me and has longed for love from me. That part only knew the love and touch of the abuser and thought that was love. How sad the abuser robbed me of myself and only I can make it whole. I will mourn the lost child and try to embrace the child that lives within. Ruben Rosario said is so simply.

Any help would be appreciated

Edited by KMCINVA (03/07/13 11:56 PM)