Man, I empathize. Your father was most certainly an abuser. Incest is abuse. Was he also a substance abuser? Secrets coming out...so empowering for me. Your courage and your fear are palpable. Male survivor groups and individual therapy are my process now. I'm deep in the swamp in me, but I am getting help, so I have a glimmer of hope. Look for the glimmer that we are born with. Delightful, inquisitive, beautiful, creative, spirited; all of that is inside me I know it. But getting it out is so so hard. My defenses are 58 years old. CPTSD...father physical and psychological abuse and substance abuse, priest repeatedly at 8 1/2. Left my body, and sometimes I still do. But, I am learning how to put my feet on the ground, figure out what the trigger is and bring my anxiety level down enough that I can call someone or just move on.