Iíd love to testify against my father, all at once, but I just canít. Thereís a trial against him, because of what he did to my sister, but his penalty would be harsher if I told as well what he did to my brother and me 9 years ago. It feels like Iím so damn helpless again, canít pay him back now what he did to usÖ I want to get out of this helpless position, but I canít and itís driving me mad. I feel guilt for many things in the past and now for not having been able to protect my sister, though people around me tell me all the time that Iím not guilty.. I know a lot of this guilt is not rational, but I still feel it, I canít change it, noone can change this by telling me that there's no reason to feel guilty. I turned him in, but Iím still not able to do the whole thing. Itís like when I told our neighbors, but then when they talked to my parents I said that I lied. They wanted to call the police and a lot of bad things could have been prevented, but I pretended that I just fooled them and that everything was fine.. and I was so good at pretending this. So my brother killed himself and I couldnít do anything against it.I never really did anything, just sat and watched, let my father hurt me and my family, let my brother kill himself. It feels like this is happening again when I just sit here and donít tell them a word. I know it wouldnít change that much, he wonít be a danger anymore for quite a long time, even if I donít testify, but it feels like losing again, being weak.. I canít cope with what he did to me, so itís a success for him, because I canít manage to testify.. so he won.
I know itís just in my head, but I canít switch it off..
Iím scared that they will be emotionless, listen to it like something they listen to all the time, like itís their job; at the same time I want them to be emotionless, I donít want them empathize. Iím scared of how they will look at me. Iím scared of saying it out loud, to hear me saying it. I canít even say just a few words. Everyone around me who knows it, only knows it from hints I dropped; they asked and I nodded, but I never said it myself, not even to my therapist. Why is it so hard to say it loud? I kind of donít want to hear it loud, like itís more real then. I still canít admit it. I know that it may have taken you some time too, but I can no way imagine to be able to speak about it one day, let alone tell a whole story. How do you manage to do this? This sounds weird, but itís even kind of hard for me to be here on this site and read what you wrote, scares me.
If we're not entirely ourselves, truly in this present moment, we'll miss everything.