Aptrick - yeah, you get it too! what i was trying to say in different words. but you went a step further:
Originally Posted By: Aptrick
...becoming someone who i don't recognize anymore has been a very real fear for me.
as much as i dread sometimes becoming 'normal', i know I can never be. What happened in my past will always be in my past. I can not change it only learn how to stop allowing it to effect my present and future. Even if my fears go away and my 'problems' get better, I will always be that boy who was abused deep down inside...

This is the part that blew me away -
Originally Posted By: Aptrick
...That is not as bad as it sounds, what i mean is I am always going to be a little wiser about the dangers out there, a bit more cautious towards the potential enemies, and a bit kinder to those who seem to be struggling. Even when I feel free of all my 'luggage' I still want to be the sensitive, insightful, caring, helpful man that i grew to become because of all that abuse. I will always be special in ways no one else will probably ever recognize or discover.

yes - that is what i hope for - and am beginning to believe is possible - to have that AS WELL AS the ability to function without falling apart at the first sign of a trigger - or caving and going all submissive whenever someone gets agressive.

Originally Posted By: Aptrick
I think the fear of changing is just a sign that you are at a crossroads of sorts and it's the irrational trying to hold you back. Hold on to the good stuff, the parts of you that make you feel proud and sane.

i think maybe this is true - that there have been so many changes already recently that my self-image needs time to readjust. my T keeps talking about rewiring my thinking and emotions - i guess that part of me needs an overhaul or tune-up too.

good ideas,
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"