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#423137 - 01/24/13 06:23 PM incest concern or not?
Candu Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I've got a question and I was looking for opinions on it.

Eight months ago I was looking for a CSA program in my area and finally found one. I went down for an interview and was told they would get back to me when we could start therapy sessions. For a number of reasons they didn't get me in. But now it looks like things are moving forward. I have five more sessions of a mandatory introduction group program to complete and then I will be starting individual therapy. The therapy is limited to one year so this got me to thinking about some stuff. Issues that I need to deal with and what I hope to achieve in the end.

About a year ago I started reading a bunch of books on CSA and recovery. (after a meltdown) I read most everything in the books but I didn't spend a lot of time on incest issues because my abuser was an older friend.(edit- older being maybe 4 years, I don't know my age at the time, maybe 12) (and with friends like that who needs enemies) I was glad the the abuser was not a member of my family because of all the additional problems that brings.

But then yesterday at work I was thinking about the possible issues. And this suddenly came up in my mind. While my abuser was not a family member there was one time (I believe only one time) that makes me wonder if I have additional incest issues.

I only have two memory fragments of the abuse. (I remember the three locations that I was abused) One memory is being led up to the abuser's bedroom. As I walked into the room I saw my brother naked in the bed. (for the abuser what could be better than having twins in your bed) I remember thinking something like "Oh God no! If it were only me it would have been ok". (and you can imagine the emotion)

I have no memory after that. And because of the lack of the lack of memory I never considered any further than that my brother was also being abused. I never considered anything that could have happened after that point or any additional effect it would have on us. So am I right to be more concerned about the the one incident to complicate the CSA to now inclued incest issues? (my brother and I have never spoken about the CSA)

Edited by Candu (01/24/13 10:40 PM)
Edit Reason: age addition

#423143 - 01/24/13 07:52 PM Re: incest concern or not? [Re: Candu]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 928
You should. He might need help - or just validation.
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#423145 - 01/24/13 08:40 PM Re: incest concern or not? [Re: Candu]
Candu Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I can't.

Yes he does need help. But what I heard from my sister (who he disclosed to years ago, and then she asked me about it) he went to a therapist and she said he said the therapist said that he/she couldn't help him. And he took it as he couldn't be helped. I'm concerned that he would reject trying again if it were brought up at this point. While I want to help myself I also want to find a path that I could help guide him on when I'm a little further down the recovery path. At this point I think it would stress him too much knowing what is going on with me and then opening up his can of worms. But it's on my mind and always up for review.

#423148 - 01/24/13 09:53 PM Re: incest concern or not? [Re: Candu]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3999
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Candu - (possible trigger?)

you have 2 different issues going on here. one is with the perp and the other with your brother. because your memories are spotty, it is going to be difficult to identify what was or wasn't incest. but i do have a couple of comments that may add something to your internal debate.

your brother was a fellow victim so whatever may have happened involving the abuser and the 2 of you was most likely totally at the abusers's instigation - and it was not your own choice. that would not be incest. however, if he forced both of you to act in one another's presence - whether there was contact between you or not - i can see how it would complicate everything and make it difficult to draw the line between incest or not. my guess is that it would border on it - if not actually crossing the line. and if he made you do things to each other - that is a more difficult possibility to consider.

you say that the perp was an "older firend" - which is vague. if he was a close enough friend to be treated like "one of the family" that is one situation. if he was more like a neighbor or more of an aquaintance or just a friend of yours - closer in age - rather than more of a parental or authority figure - that is another thing. in "Victims No Longer" Lew redefines incest in a way that shocked me when i first read it - and forced me to realize that i was an incest survivor. the step-dad - while not related by blood (my literal and narrow idea of the requirement for incest) was in a parental role. Lew says that any close relationship such as an honorary uncle, minister, scout leader or close friend of the family - can be considered an incest-type of abuse because of the trust and assumption of safety and protection that is expected. i don't have the book at hand so can't quote it - but i'd encourage you to look it up if you can. this was a revelation to me and hit me really hard - but in the long run - explained a lot once i faced it.

don't know if any of that is helpful - and with partial memories - it may all be theoretical, but hope it gives you another source to refer to if you haven't seen it already.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#423156 - 01/24/13 10:35 PM Re: incest concern or not? [Re: Candu]
Candu Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Lee. Thanks.
(got triggers but nothing there smile )

I will go and edit the older comment. I was thinking friends as being about the same age. We were friends with a family down the street. One boy about the same age as myself, maybe a year older, then his two twin brothers maybe four years older. One of the 4 year older than me was the abuser. That's what I meant as far as older friend.

Yeah I was pretty upset when I considered the brother issue.(as far as my issues to deal with) And since I have no idea what happened I also don't know how much damage it caused. But I know it did.


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