Hang on Lee,
that is so terrible news. I must say of all abusive people I hate the most those who positioned self to get near victims and who organized their lives so they could abuse their powers on daily basis
Even I also have seen many porn pages and videos and probably many men in those videos are survivors. I can't identify with person who on purposely was looking to see innocent and weak victim to be overpowered and hurt during sexual abuse.
I just can't.
My inters was going trough some familiar feelings like being lost to some basic instincts and forgetting on reality.
Starting position for me when I'm in mood for look into some porn are some very negative and hurtful feelings of isolation, despair, loneliness and fears. It is like drug shot by which I've been trying to buy some time and to get some relief in that "fantasy" world far away from my reality.
And yes many times I was triggered when seen that some of "actors" could be "acting out". I can easily relate to person being lost and participating in such "harmful" actions, it is in some way destructive, painful and reminds me of my own pain and situations when I was brought in such hell.
It is legacy of abuse and scar left to last for long, probably I never healed some traumas and I'm repeating it all again in cycle of search for "familiar" situations under controlled conditions and trying to find solution from it even safe escape never comes. It could be kind of re-traumatizing experience for me
Hang on Lee, you are good man. There are specific reasons why we are doing sometimes things that could be hurtful to us, that doesn't make us looking like abusers but rather confirms our fragility of people who went trough some abuse and later dealing with many scars left.