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#421568 - 01/09/13 01:16 AM Recovering from spine surgery
ajs2240 Offline

Registered: 06/20/12
Posts: 2
Hi everyone,

This probably should go in the introductions because I'm new here. I've been lurking for a bit though so I thought I'd drop a quick hello before launching into what brought me here. I'm a 27 year old social worker, and I was emotionally, and sexually abused by a family friend around my age when I was 11. I've been with a great T for nearly a year now and we've been making good progress. She was out of town though recently when I found out that I would need to have exploratory surgery on a tumor on the base of my spine. Well be meeting again soon to resume our work.

I spent last week in the hospital after the dr removed 95% of a mango-sized tumor from the base of my spine. The rest is in my pelvis and unreachable from the incision site.. I'm waitingj to find out from pathology if its cancerous or benign. While I was in the hospital I had to have a catheter placed while I was awake. I was lucky enough to have a good friend there who disclosed my status to a nurse who was very understanding and by gentle. I had a flashback nonetheless. I've been feeling very stuck in that panic this week as my urinary flow has not quite recovered. The dr has confirmed this. A normal side effect of meds and not a uti, but its been very triggering for me. The whole thing has. I never had the tumor checked because I was sure it was a pocket of the abusers semen, or our malformed baby in a teratoma. The staples holding the wound closed feel like a zipper the perpatrator could use to reach inside me now if he wanted to.

Im home alone for the next week while I recover and while Im getting support from family about the surgery, i have a limited support network regarding my abuse history. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I guess just some relief in common experiences. I've sort of given up control of the medical side of this, que sera sera, right? But I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar fears or difficulty getting those fears under control. Thanks every one for listening. Over the last few months I've watched you all be so incredibly open and supportive of one another. I hope I can do this too someday,


#421619 - 01/09/13 07:10 AM Re: Recovering from spine surgery [Re: ajs2240]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi A, welcome to Male Survivor!
I'm sorry to hear about your abuse and about surgery that you've had. Must be difficult for you with flash backs and panic attacks, please try somehow to calms your self. I'm happy to know that you have friend who is supportive and full of understanding.
I've found great support here, it is really great community, I hope you'll find it too.
Please keep sharing with us.
You are not alone!
I wish you the fastest possible recovery; I'll have you in my prayers.

My story

#421624 - 01/09/13 08:58 AM Re: Recovering from spine surgery [Re: ajs2240]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
welcome, A!

i can relate somewhat to that experience. i foolishly agreed to have a vasectomy once we had 3 kids - not realizing what a trigger it would be - brought back memories of the step-father's threats (with hedge-clippers in hand!) to cut off all my stuff.

glad you have a T to work with you - and that you have joined us. take the participation here at your own pace. whatever is right for you.

hope you heal well physically and emotionally and hope to see you around the forums.

Edited by traveler (01/09/13 09:17 AM)
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#421625 - 01/09/13 08:59 AM Re: Recovering from spine surgery [Re: ajs2240]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Welcome to malesurvivor, but sorry you have to be here...

I had major surgery in July 2010. It was hugely triggering for me too. The feeling of not being able to move, not being in control of my body... having strangers poke and prod and stick things into me... catheters - hell yes. And they stuck an IV in my groin... way to close to my privates for comfort.

After the surgery, I felt... violated. Like my body had been invaded. I felt like I didn't belong in my own skin - I wasn't safe any more. I didn't see the staples as a zipper, but I can relate to the feeling of anyone can get inside my body...

I guess all I'm trying to say is you are not alone. I was there too and it sucked...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#422074 - 01/14/13 07:51 PM Re: Recovering from spine surgery [Re: ajs2240]
LazyPirate Offline

Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I know how you feel, I think. Although not major surgery, I had a Colonoscopy last year & I have to have another one later this month. Talk about a feeling of violation! In the fist one they found & removed a small benign tumour. So that's why I have to go back again so soon!

Sorry you've had to go thru what you have, but remember; we're all in this together!
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

#422088 - 01/15/13 12:22 AM Re: Recovering from spine surgery [Re: ajs2240]
ajs2240 Offline

Registered: 06/20/12
Posts: 2
Sorry to bump meow thread, thanks for your feedback guys, it was helpful to hear from you. In the last week, I heard back from the surgeon and found out I have Chondrosarcoma, a cancer of the cartelege and bone in my pelvis and sacrum. I can't help but feel like Job. I feel crushed. The abuse was not enough, but now in my 20s I have a cancer common to men in their sixties. The cancer is not effected by radiation or chemo and so surgery to remove the remaining tumor is my only option. Depending on where the cancer is and how far it has spread I might be facing major bone replacement, or amputation. I feel as though anytime I find myself doing well, Something like this happens. I just feel like this all isn't worth it. I have a good support system, which is acting as a fantastic barrier to my suicide ideation. I'm just tired.

#423259 - 01/26/13 11:52 AM Re: Recovering from spine surgery [Re: ajs2240]
LazyPirate Offline

Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Although this thread isn't about me, I just wanted to report that I had my colonoscopy yesterday... All was fine, nothing found. Wasn't at all fun, but it never is.

ajs... What shit news. Chin up & try to remember that suicide isn't the only way out. You are loved.
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson


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