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#419616 - 12/20/12 05:37 AM Homophobia &/or Fear of Expression btwn Men
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
I kind of got into a scrap with one of my best friends today, as I expressed my frustration and anger with him for not responding to any of my emotional comments (those dealing with feelings), or as we haven't seen each other in a while, he never responds when I say I miss him or want to send him a hug. He responded that he does not feel comfortable being missed by a man or having a man sending him a hug, and he said to me that he sometimes has the impression that I forget he is not gay, but rather straight. In his responses, he begins with "I am a man" and somehow that legitimises his stance.

To me, expressing of emotions between "close" male friends or an occasional "I miss you" "yeah you too man" are not correlated to homosexuality and should not be in any way threatening to a heterosexual man. I feel like my friend only tolerates me for being gay, but is extremely homophobic as he can tell me this without guilt, or he will make comments about me not being a real man and a male girlfriend to straight girls.

I don't know what to say to counter this.... is it even homophobia? He is not one to ever apologise or admit that he is wrong, and he will spin an accusation of homophobia back at me. What can I say to homophobia? I desperately want to connect with other men and find meaningful friendships (and eventually positive romantic relationships with gay/bi men), but should I have to put up with this? He often makes me feel as though I am wrong and out of place... is such a friendship even worth the heart- and headaches?

Edited by JayBro (12/20/12 05:38 AM)
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#419663 - 12/20/12 09:49 PM Re: Homophobia &/or Fear of Expression btwn Men [Re: JayBro]
seikei Offline

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
I don't know how proactive your friend is when it comes to trying to assert his masculine identity, but I think a good counter would be that a lot of men's organizations encourage emotional intimacy and displays of affection like hugs precisely because they are said to reassert masculine identity and possibly prevent homosexuality. Not saying that I necessarily agree with this or anything, but I think it could be a possible counter.

Personally I think that this friendship sounds a bit toxic. If he can't accept a simple comment of appreciation for his friendship then I can only imagine what kind of other insecurities might rear their heads throughout the course of your friendship. That's just me though.

#422685 - 01/20/13 04:24 AM xxxx [Re: JayBro]
wearytraveler Offline

Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 52
Loc: Not on MS anymore

Edited by wearytraveler (01/17/14 06:03 AM)

#422776 - 01/21/13 04:19 AM * [Re: JayBro]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 06:12 PM)

#422814 - 01/21/13 05:25 PM Re: Homophobia &/or Fear of Expression btwn Men [Re: JayBro]
wgrrcb Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 49

Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 08:32 PM)

#422945 - 01/22/13 08:00 PM Re: Homophobia &/or Fear of Expression btwn Men [Re: JayBro]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 01:50 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#423005 - 01/23/13 03:41 PM Re: Homophobia &/or Fear of Expression btwn Men [Re: JayBro]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
my 2 cents worth...

"He is a man" - and you are something less because you don't have a girlfriend? I'm sorry - but if he has actually made comments about you being anything less than "a man" - I'd drop this guy off at the nearest homophobe shop and not look back.

Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#423252 - 01/26/13 09:54 AM Re: Homophobia &/or Fear of Expression btwn Men [Re: JayBro]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thanks for posting Jay. As often happens, I'll go with bodyguard on this one...even from way over here at GMT-5.

He's uncomfortable obviously. Sounds as if you've done your best to address it. Sounds, too, like he has considerable issues and your very existence is a constant (unintentional) in-your-face reminder to him that he has those issues, whether he's aware of them or not.

He's given little, if any indication he's willing to work with you on it - in fact, going the completely opposite direction - and that's good information to have. Hell, yes, he's homophobic. And, given many societal attitudes, why would you want that also in your personal life?

I rarely run into your situation any more because I simply walk away from it. Nor do I feel I owe them an explanation. If they're mature enough to ask, sure, I'll tell them. But they almost never do anyway. People like that are a waste of time and energy for me.

imo, you can do MUCH better. How your stable of gay friends?

oh, btw, {{{{{{{{{{JayBro}}}}}}}}}}


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