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#418167 - 12/04/12 02:08 PM Full Disclosure---How much is too much?
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1107
Loc: SE USA
.
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#418169 - 12/04/12 02:37 PM Re: Full Disclosure---How much is too much? [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Once I'd told my T the first time, I found it easier to disclose here - it was like going through a "real" process gave me license to say whatever here.

But definitely bounce any particularly squicky bits off a T way way way before telling a family member. There very well may be things that they don't need to know or that can be taken as implicit. The truth need not be fully visceral; we all have intestines but most people would rather hear of them as a concept than have them scooped out and deposited in your hands with all the liquidy shit sloshing inside. The people who can handle that are surgeons, they want to handle it and it isn't part of their home life.

TRIGGERS
I practiced with the T today on disclosing to my parents. She helped me really clean it up while preserving accuracy. I.e. "He forced me to perform oral sex" is what I will tell my parents and a less vulgar version of what I told my wife. Wife heard little of my emotional state at that time, parents will hear no such thing at all. None of them got the full sequence of words, actions, times, sensations - the full "blow by blow", pun intended (much to my surprise). Those can be implicit within the main story which is unpleasant enough. These are words, not pictures. Kids are told to "tell" - not to direct a movie.

When it comes to family I take the line that Churchill gave to Truman when it came time for them to reveal to their "ally" Stalin the successful American development of the atomic bomb;

"Tell him the great fact, less of the particulars."

Therapists get paid for this shit, and they knew what they were getting into. They get the full Grinching whenever you feel appropriate.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/04/12 03:06 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#418182 - 12/04/12 05:11 PM Re: Full Disclosure---How much is too much? [Re: Suwanee]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
I think you decide what to tell and who to tell it to based on what's best for YOU, not them. What will best advance your healing and give you strength? Enough putting everyone else first. Take care of yourself for a change!
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#418187 - 12/04/12 06:18 PM * [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:13 PM)

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#418197 - 12/04/12 08:41 PM Re: Full Disclosure---How much is too much? [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
Will -

i think SoccerStar got it exactly right - tell the summary or outline version without all the graphic details. sometimes those are too much to take - even for those who have no prior knowledge - and for us survivors - it can be really traumatic to relive it fully while trying to overcome the reluctance of trying to tell someone you love or respect or fear.

you can always tell more later - but you can't take back something once it is out there. my T cautioned me about telling my wife too much all at once. i have told her all the main events - a bit at a time - as we were both ready - but not every gory detail. for now - that is enough for both of us. maybe in the future one or both of us will feel the need for more...

Lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#418246 - 12/05/12 08:17 AM Re: Full Disclosure---How much is too much? [Re: Suwanee]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
The way one of my T's explained it to me is that we as humans get over trauma by communicating the trauma over and over again until it no longer effects us. Like is someone got into a car accident and then went to work and told the whole office about it. They may be Chatty Kathy but it is also because it helps them work through the trauma. For this reason I'm rather forthcoming about being abused if it adds to the conversation. I usually don't go into the gory details so to speak because I find it makes most people uncomfortable. Everyone is different though. I know it might not seem very insightful, but really its ultimately your decision what you want to disclose and how much you want to disclose it.

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